


Monsters

by collectingstories



Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: A bit AU, Age Difference, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Jealous Simon, Kinda, Love Triangle, Negan Being Negan (Walking Dead), Possessive Negan (Walking Dead), Reader-Insert, Sanctuary origin, fuck buddies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:08:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 31,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23699800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/collectingstories/pseuds/collectingstories
Summary: A reader-insert following the creation of Negan’s Saviors. Negan finds the reader on the road about a month after the dead start walking and takes her in.
Relationships: Negan (Walking Dead)/Original Female Character(s), Negan (Walking Dead)/Reader, Negan (Walking Dead)/You, Negan/Negan's Wives (Walking Dead)
Comments: 32
Kudos: 83





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter contains mentions of assault. Also sexually suggestive language toward a teenager (reader is 19; Negan & Simon are canon age).

Laying flat on your back in the middle of a highway road was not how you pictured yourself dying. You could feel a shadow move into your line of sight, shielding your body from the sun. Whoever they were had knocked the walker off you and smashed it’s head into the ground all while you laid there, ankle definitely twisted, sure that this was where you died. Especially when said person doubled back to you, feet on either side of your waist, squeezing just enough to stop you from going anywhere. 

“Well I’ll be damned,” a deep voice almost sung above you, then louder, maybe over his shoulder, “You will never believe who I just fucking saved from getting her face eaten off.” 

You chanced opening an eye to find a man looming over you, his head indeed turned to speak to whoever was accompanying him. The sun hit his back and cast him mostly in shadow but as he turned his head back you caught a glimpse of the familiar profile, shit eating grin and straight nose doing more to confirm your suspicions as he smiled down at you, hand extended as if he could really help you up when he was blocking half your body. 

“Negan?” Next door neighbor and gym teacher, you’d been subjected to Negan’s repertoire of jokes and somewhat predatory comments for the majority of your life. Subject to say you really hadn’t expected to see him again. 

He took a big step over, releasing you from his grip and leaned down to haul you up. You caught a glimpse of his companion, a burly guy with a pedo-stache who was unfamiliar to you. You didn’t get much time to think about it though as Negan wrapped an arm around you shoulders and hugged you to him, “this right here, my friend, is the Arlington County Fair Harvest Queen.” He announced, as if that title really meant anything. 

“Would you quit that?” You grimaced, “I was fourteen.” God, fourteen felt like a lifetime ago. 

“Oh-ho, my apologies G.I. Jane, you are right. I see you traded in that prom queen crown for some shiny new toys.” He remarked, nodding to the AK-47 Simon was holding. 

“I bummed it off Jerry.” You confirmed, taking some careful steps to pedo-stache, hand out for your gun. 

“That son-of-a-bitch, he didn’t make it?” 

“Took one between the eyes.” The initial panic had died into annoyance at being found by Negan of all people but now you were just feeling relieved. Negan probably wouldn’t hurt you. He was always good to you as a kid, an odd sort of hybrid between awkward step-dad and over-friendly neighbor. 

“Good.” 

“Yeah,” You looked back to pedo-stache while Negan considered the turn of events that had occurred in his old neighborhood. “Give me the gun.” 

“Sure you can handle it?” The double entendres wasn’t necessary but he emphasized the words enough to let you know that was his goal. You grimaced, maybe you’d have to worry after all. 

“Give her the gun Simon, we gotta hit the road.” There were, in fact, more walkers that you could see coming. “You wanna ride Prom Queen?” 

You looked back down the road to the car you’d been driving. An old station wagon, also courtesy of Jerry, sporting a flat tire and a blown exhaust. You’d hauled your shit out, a backpack and a crossbody with more weapons in it, and you could see it sitting in the back of the pickup Negan and Simon were driving. “I guess so.” 

Despite the offer from pedo-stache you decided to ride in the bed of the truck, on a turned over milk crate with your back against the window. Riding backwards always felt a little like being on a kiddie rollercoaster. You watched the highway and the herd of walkers that were getting smaller and smaller in the distance. Your gun sat over your knees though you were less inclined to use it driving. As long as Negan’s truck lasted there would no reason to draw so much attention to yourself. 

The back window slid open and pedo-stache was looking out at you, an unsettling smile on his face. “How’s the weather back there sweetheart?” He inquired, “You get cold I can warm you up real fast.” 

“Negan tell your boyfriend to keep it in his pants.” You called, not turning to look at them. 

Laughter erupted from the driver’s seat, Negan exclaiming, “what’d I tell you Simon, that one is a firecracker. Used to have a revolving fucking door a guys trying to play ball on her field, if you catch my drift.”

“I’m trapped with fucking dumb and dumber in the apocalypse.” You groaned, leaning back against the window. 

“I can pull this truck right over darling, see how fast that herd catches up to you.” Negan replied. The same casual tone though you understood there was no joke in his words. 

“Where are we headed?” You inquired, leaning to peer into the window, Negan kept his eyes on the road but Simon turned to look your way. 

“Got a camp started a ways up, trying to scout out a building or something we can move ourselves into.” Simon relayed, “we’re sitting ducks as it is.” 

You had lived in the house next to Negan’s since you were a little kid. After your parents divorced when you were six your mom moved into a nice house in a residential area not too far away from the high school. It was a cape-cod and the whole upstairs was just one big room that she let you have. The driveway was shared, with nothing but a half-fence between you and the neighbors. The neighbors, of course, being Negan and his wife Lucille. When you were little he was a cool guy, he played basketball with you and built the furniture for your room and even coached your soccer team at your request. Lucille was nice too and as you moved into middle school you would go over everyday when the bus dropped you off to help take care of her and do your homework. It was beneficially to everyone involved because your mom worked late and Lucille needed the assist. 

Negan knocked on the window just as the truck pulled off an exit, “almost there.”

Your mother hadn’t made it. During a scuffle with Jerry in the living room she’d taken a shot to the stomach. You’d been at the top of the stairs, crouched down so he couldn’t see you behind the half wall that served as a railing, hand over your mouth to quiet your breathing. It was like a horror movie of some kind. There were dead people walking around outside and you could hear choppers in the distance and your mother was telling you to pack as she went through the kitchen cabinets looking for any necessities. The car was almost ready for the two of you to go. Then there was banging on the kitchen door. Jerry, who was even worse of a neighbor than Negan because you truly believed he meant you harm whenever he looked at you, was calling for help.

“Mom, do not let him!” You called from the living room. 

“He needs help!” 

“No, seriously mom!” You snapped. 

But then it was too late, she unlocked the kitchen door and as she was turning the knob Jerry pushed it open. You watched in some sort of awful slow motion as your mother went stumbling back into the kitchen table and Jerry slammed the door behind him, gun trained on her. You couldn’t remember anything else that was said, only your mom telling you to run and you taking off for the stairs because you didn’t know where else to go. You hid at the top, not going fully into your room and listened as she screamed, over and over. There was no one to call, everything had stopped existing the way it used to since the dead started walking and you were petrified, stuck there on the stairs listening. You tried to cover your ears but you were too afraid that he’d come for you next that you kept vigilant. You forced yourself to peer over the wall into the living room. They sounded like they were still in the kitchen but you couldn’t see enough from this angle to get more than a glimpse at the back of Jerry’s head. Your brain was too blurred to hear what he was saying but you knew he was shouting and your mom was screaming and you knew what was happening. 

When she tried to make a break for it, run to the front door he tackled her to the ground and you watched that, you saw him shoot her in the stomach. And then he climbed off her body and he turned to see you there on the stairs and you screamed. You ran the rest of the way up into your bedroom, slamming the door shut and trying to push the desk Negan built you against it. 

In your room you didn’t have any weapons and there was only one window, on the other side of the room. Chancing your luck, you’d run to it, throwing your stereo threw it while Jerry screamed that you weren’t getting away from him. You yelled out the window just as the door gave and you don’t remember everything but you remember him dragging you by your foot across the floor while you thrashed on the ground. 

“Hey,” Simon’s hand on your knee snapped you out of your thoughts and you jerked away from him. He was standing in the bed of the truck, looking down at you with mild concern. “You alright kid?” 

“Fine.” You nodded. 

“We’re here.” He explained, lifting your backpack and crossbody and tossing them over his shoulder. When you stood he crowded into your space just enough to make you feel mildly uncomfortable. “You stay by me or Negan yeah? Or Gavin. Don’t trust these other fuckers.” 

An odd request for someone who was living in this camp but you only nodded, following him out of the truck bed. When your feet hit the ground and you got your first good look at the camp you realized what he was saying. You were the only female in the group, everyone else sitting around were men, most well over the age of thirty with two exceptions. Negan was watching you carefully and you thought that he was probably thinking the same thing as Simon. Then he turned to everyone else and spoke.

“Listen up, this is girl is off limits. You so much as look at her the wrong way you are gonna be spending some quality time with Lucille, you understand?” He asked, voice booming and swinging the baseball bat wrapped with barb-wire. 

Lucille, you almost laughed, that was fitting. You loved his late wife but she was a tough one. 

You weren’t sure how Negan managed to come out on top, bossing around a group of almost a dozen grown men but the minute he threatened them they all looked away from you, obliging his request. It was a pretty impressive power move and you were almost thankful that Negan had found you and no one else. He took your bags from Simon and tossed them into one of the tents before looking back at you, “You’re in with me.”

“Alright.” You wouldn’t argue. You trusted him enough. More than you’d ever trust Jerry and more than you trusted the other men sitting around in the camp.


	2. chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tackling more of my Simon writing with this chapter. Also, Jared will play a pretty consistent role throughout this series considering he is arguably my favorite minor character Savior. I don't know why. It's my greatest regret that they didn't let him kill Morgan (sorry, not sorry).

Norris would not stop talking. You had to give him credit for finding the place because all Simon had turned up was a decimated gated community that was crawling with geeks. It would have taken months to rebuild. So Norris' findings, an old factory building and the housing quarters attached to it, were much more plausible. But he just wouldn’t stop talking. And you were trapped in the back seat with Joey, listening to Norris drag on and on, Joey’s asthmatic breathing, and whatever cursed music Simon was playing. It was a torture of the worst kind made even more excruciating because Simon kept looking back at you grinning. Bastard. 

Next time you were calling shotgun to ride with Negan. You looked longing out the back window to where the truck was, barreling down behind you with Negan in the front seat. He definitely wouldn’t be a total dick right now. At least you hoped not. It wasn’t that you necessarily wanted to ride with Simon over Negan it was just that you trusted everyone in this car and the only person in Negan’s truck that you trusted was Negan. If it wasn’t a crude comment or a lecherous look than it was an attempt at inconspicuously feeling you up. Despite the blunt warning that had been given when you joined the group nearly a week ago almost everyone seemed to be determined to see how far they could push Negan’s ruling. One in particular, who you thought said his name was Pete, had come right up behind you when you were loading up the jeep, with the implied intent of helping you lift something. Apparently, shoving his hard on against your ass was supposed to be helpful. You had clocked him in the face with your elbow when he tried to lay his hands on you. 

“What the fuck!” He had shouted, holding his nose and sounded way more offended than he should be. 

“Keep your gross hands off me asshole!” You snapped. Not the most mature response you'd ever had to a situation but it got the job done. In that it caught Negan's attention. 

The outburst caught most everyone’s attention in reality but it was Simon and Negan who turned to look. Gavin stole a quick glance, decided you had the situation handled, and led everyone else in getting back to work. Simon moved toward the back of the Jeep, arms crossed over his chest. Negan took the initiative, coming around the side, baseball bat on his shoulder. 

“Would someone please tell me what the fuck is going on?” He asked, voice loud and boisterous enough for everyone to hear. They all kept working. 

“That bitch fucking elbowed me in the face.” Pete exclaimed, holding his nose in one hand and waving his other hand at you furiously. Blood seeped through his fingers and was smeared across his mouth and chin, a hopeful indication that you had succeeded in breaking his nose. 

You glared him down but said nothing. 

Negan was trying to portray himself as a man who still had some morals but so far you’d seen little evidence of that. He wasn’t a very stand up guy when the dead weren’t walking so you couldn’t imagine what sort of moral value he held dear these days but he said nothing bad would happen to you and you knew what he meant. “I can see that,” Negan finally replied, a bit of a laugh in his voice as if the situation was funny, “I’m gonna be honest though, think my eyes must be going cause I am sure I did not see you shove your dick up against her.” 

Pete looked mortified, eyes widening comically. Negan looked to you for confirmation though he knew what he saw. 

“You saw right.” You replied, a shrug. 

“Well damn, we have a fucking hands-off policy that I know I fucking told you about Pete.” Negan announced, still looking calm as ever and swinging Lucille off his shoulder. He waved the bat once and brought it to a halt right in front of Pete’s face, centimeters from the busted nose he was still cradling. “Do that shit again and the only girl you’ll be romancing is Lucille here. Now get the fuck back to work.” 

“Yes sir.” 

Negan had exerted his dominance over the group early on, before he and Simon found you on the highway. He had never really seemed intimidating to you as a neighbor or a teacher but this was a different side of him than you were accustomed to. This was the side that dealt with bullies in school while still being one himself, only amplified to 1000. There had been plenty of stories, when you were in school, about how he treated kids that mouthed off to him but you had never witnessed it first hand. He had always been friendly with you and your mom. Sometimes a little too friendly and sometimes forced, as if he was putting on the smile just for the sake of keeping up a rouse, but you'd never seen him be anything else. Even when there had been issues with him and Lucille over the years it had always been her that had done the yelling. 

When he walked back to the truck Simon came over, tossing up a bag beside you. “Everything alright?” 

“Yeah,” You nodded and continued working. It wasn't anything you wanted to think about. 

\- 

It was that altercation with Pete that landed you in the back of Simon’s jeep with Joey. You were two seconds away from asking how much further Norris' find was when you caught sight of the top of the factory from the road. You sent a silent prayer of thanks that this car ride was coming to an end and leaned forward, putting a hand on Simon’s arm, “next time, I ride up front.” 

“That’s fine by me sugar.” He replied, tilting his head back and to the side, grinning at you. Flirting with pedo-stache was a dangerous game but it was slim pickings in Negan’s group. Negan himself, Simon, Gavin, Joey, Pete, and a handful of other interchangeable men that had joined up before you. The lone woman thus far, and a young one at that. Alliances were important and you knew how to play this game so you stuck close to who you knew you could trust. “Hell I can toss these two out and take the long way back to camp, you just say the word.” 

“Like hell,” Norris piped up, sticking his arm across the gap to nudge you back into your seat, “Joey’ll never make it.” 

“You could use the exercise, ain’t that right Fat Joe?” Simon commented, adjusting the rearview so he could see Joey. 

“I ain’t walking all that way!” Joey protested, as if Simon and Norris were having a serious discussion. 

“No one is making you walk back.” You rolled your eyes and slumped into your seat just as Simon pulled up to the front of the abandoned factory. “Hopefully we won’t even need to go back.”

“That’s what I’m planning on.” Norris replied. 

Once there it was down to business, Negan and Gavin had been going over the ‘game plan’ for about a week now since Norris stumbled on the place. It would take all of you to clear it, if clearing it was definitely possible. They'd sent two men ahead a week ago but they had little to report about the inside of the building and though he didn’t want to, going in blind had subsequently become Negan’s only option. As the engines cut on the three cars everyone began piling out, grabbing whatever weapons they thought they might need as Simon and Gavin went straight to Negan's side. He was barking out instructions and you caught the tail end of it as you fell into place beside another member of the group.

You were with Negan, 

Easy enough, you followed him and Fat Joey in the second wave while Gavin led the way through the first hall. Three teams evenly dispersed once you got through, there weren’t too many walkers and you were mostly thankful, though Negan’s instruction to keep the safeties on and only use knives or machetes put you at a disadvantage. You weren’t exactly an expert at hand to hand combat. Gavin and Simon had been showing you the ropes but a week wasn’t enough time for you to be auditioning for fight club. 

“You alright?” Negan asked, voice low as he stood beside you. Turned slightly so you couldn’t see his face you missed the genuine concern and mistook his question for being condescending. 

“I know what I’m doing.” You tried to sound confident but you just sounded defensive. 

“Hey, course you do, I’m just making sure you’re comfortable.” He reasoned, glancing down at you in the dark of the factory. Joey was hyperventilating in your other ear and while it was a sick thought you couldn’t help being thankful that he was the weakest link and not you. 

Gavin beat you to a reply, “we got trouble up ahead!” After he spoke you felt like someone had pulled cotton from your ears. Suddenly you could hear the groans from walkers trapped in rooms along the hallway. 

You pulled your knife out, holding it the way Gavin had taught you and backing into formation with Negan. Lucille fell off his shoulder and lulled between you two, the barbed wire affixed to his old baseball bat scraping just slightly against your jean clad leg. You were thankful for the extra layer when you felt it snag on your wool sock. Negan gave a gentle tug then switched hands. You were more than surprised that no one had ever been accidentally. whacked with the bat considering the few times you had already come into close contact with her, that moment included. 

Gavin got the first door on the left, Pete leading the way into the small closet of a room and taking down both walkers with ease. “What’re we doing with these bodies boss?” He asked, slipping back into formation. His entire face looked like a bruise, stemming from the dark purple of his nose and you hoped that it hurt like hell every time he talked. Gavin had mentioned to you before that some people you didn't kill but you wouldn't save either and Pete was definitely the first name on that list for you. 

“We’ll burn ‘em once we got the all clear.” Negan instructed, “gonna be a long couple days, ain’t that right?” He looked back to Simon who was the last through the door, getting anything you might miss. 

“That’s right.” He confirmed, smiling with an ease that was almost unsettling. 

The next door was yours and you darted out of the formation quickly, the way Gavin had shown you, taking down a walker easier than you expected to. When you rejoined the group Negan’s hand rested on your lower back and he leaned closer, “good job.” 

You smiled and nodded, a little too happy with the approval, you thought but you’d always been eager to impress him. You could remember a time when you were younger practically beaming with pride when he told you what a good job you’d done during a soccer match. When he had agreed to coach your little league in third grade and told you that you were a natural athlete you had talked about it for the entirety of baseball season to anyone who would listen. Your therapist had said once that you were looking for a father figure to offer you praise and validation and while that was probably true when you were in little league you had stopped thinking of Negan as a "father figure" when you were sixteen. An unhealthy crush on your next door neighbor was more accurately the reason behind your eagerness for his approval. 

\- 

It took two days and all of your energy to clear the factory and the housing building beside it. You volunteered to help Simon move bodies out of the factory but he refused. Not that it mattered because Negan turned around and put you in charge of moving bodies on the upper floors. The way Simon looked when Negan gave you the order had you thinking for a split second that he might've done it on purpose. Whether to spite Simon for something or just to reiterate that he called the shots you weren't sure but you were positive that you didn't imagine the tic in Simon's jaw when Negan spoke. A command was a command though and you were in no position to go against anyone so you were cleaning out the upper levels with Fat Joey and a taller, scrawnier guy named Jared as an assist. 

“What she says goes. No funny business. Don’t try to start any shit.” Negan had mentioned, swinging Lucille up on his shoulder as he spoke. You thought he took way too much pleasure in carrying that thing around. 

The camp you’d left behind was nothing but some cars set up with tents in the middle. Nothing as good as this place, even if this place smelled like mold. Between Negan and Simon it was decided that two people would go back in the spare car and collect whatever necessities remained. Two guys you weren’t entirely familiar with, one who called himself Pots and another who had introduced himself to you as ‘Just Jim’ volunteered for the expedition. It was getting late in the day and Negan advised them both to be cautious. 

“We don’t need any casualties.” 

With everyone having a job to do the time went relatively quick. You don't mind Joey when you aren’t trapped in a car with him and you found yourself getting along with Jared, even if he did seem like there maybe some underlying homicidal tendencies. He was an alright guy and he was funny in a peculiar way. Like laughing at a slasher film whenever someone dies. He was helpful though and moving bodies kept him busy enough that he didn't lose focus and get antsy. According to him, when he got antsy was when things went wrong. "Idle hands and all that" he had claimed. Given the way he had moved through the factory with Gavin you were more than positive the proverbial 'idle hands' was established with him in mind. He certainly smiled like he had the devil in him.

“You think this place will hold up?” Joey asked, helping you drag a body out of one of the rooms. 

“Hopefully,” you shrug. Finding this place would be a blessing if you could make it work. Negan was talking about scouting out other groups of survivors in the area, the more people the greater the chance of survival. 

You'd overheard some of the discussion the night before, when everyone else had turned in. Gavin and Simon had been first on watch and Negan stayed up to talk to them about the prospect of more people. Gavin spitballed the idea of stricter rules, ways to keep everyone in line so that any new people they found didn't try to get the jump on them. Negan didn't want more people to create a community, he wanted more people to ensure that he stayed alive and because he was already on a power trip with the group that he had accumulated. More people meant more power. And so Negan in charge. Simon and Gavin were beneath him, and everyone else beneath them. The factory, which Negan dramatically dubbed ‘The Sanctuary’ within about three hours of being there, had enough room for the sort of expansion that they had talked about. The hard part would be finding groups willing to be absolved into this structure or alive enough to be absolved. And harder still, the ones who didn’t want anything to do with this Sanctuary. 

You were halfway through clearing the upper levels, shedding layers as you went and lending Jared a hairband for his Jesus-length hair, when Negan came in to check on progress. He caught you in a hallway, wiping your forehead on the shirt you had just taken off. Your jacket was hanging over a chair along with Fat Joey’s and Jared’s. You were feeling pretty thankful that you’d been caught in the apocalypse with a sports bra on and you were too hot to care what you looked like without a shirt. It was sweltering in this place. Joey had commented earlier that it was just his luck that something crazy, like corpses walking the earth, would happen to him as summer approached. And now, in what felt like the hottest day so far, you couldn't help silently laying the blame on him too. Damn Joey and his bad luck. 

Negan swung an arm around your shoulders and pulled you into his side. “Damn, you are sticky," he commented, making a show of shaking his hand. “Not something I usually like outside the bedroom.” 

“That’s disgusting.” You groaned, trying to pull away but his grip was ironclad. 

“How’s it going down here?” 

“Almost cleared it boss,” Fat Joey piped up, dragging a wheelbarrow that Jared had found and loaded up with bodies. “Don’t know if it’s ready to be slept in.” 

“Got two trailers outside according to Simon, good enough for tonight.” Negan replied. Sleep was crucial and hard to come by. He’d already given shifts out to Pete and Norris for watch overnight. 

“That all?” 

“Is that all?” Negan mocked your disinterested tone, “You hear this Fat Joey? Is that all? No it is not all.” 

You rolled you eyes and then grimaced when you felt the barbs of Lucille just touching the skin below your chin. 

“Don’t roll your fucking eyes at me sweetheart.” Negan threatened and then dropped the bat back to his side. “Now, as I was fucking saying-"

"Yeah?"

"You’re with me got it?” 

“Got it.” You agreed. 

“Back to work!” He shouted as if there were more than three of you. Negan’s hand dropped from your shoulders and groped your ass as he pulled you in to kiss your forehead. A slap to your ass and he was walking off down the hallway, whistling as he went.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mostly filler, hope you like it anyway!

Negan passed you a bottle of water. His white t-shirt was staining see through around the neck and armpits from sweat. The sun was blazing down on both of you as you worked outside, setting up a barrier to stop walkers from getting through the fence that bordered the factory. Simon was inside leading half the crew, getting rooms in order and, despite the heat and humidity, you were almost thankful that Negan had decided to rotate shifts today. Being outside was nice even when you were sweating. The factory looked safe enough and Negan seemed to have high hopes for it. The camp wasn’t safe anymore and really it never had been. He needed to keep people alive, especially if he wanted to survive. 

“Here,” you passed the water bottle back to him and wiped the perspiration off on your shirt. The drop in temperature over the night had cooled down some of the water but the spike this morning was only making sweat accumulate on the bottles. “God I wish I had an iced coffee right now.” You commented.

“Damn sweetheart, me too.” Negan laughed. 

Over your junior and senior year in high school you and Negan had formed an agreement. You brought him iced coffee from Dunkin every morning and he let you skip gym class. It was a good arrangement because you hated gym and because you got out of your first period study hall both years in a row in favor of spending time sitting around in his office. Usually catching up on homework. Before the dead started walking and the entire world came to a screeching halt you had planned on using all the hours logged as his ‘assistant’ to help with college applications. But now college wasn’t even a thing and all those logged hours meant nothing aside from providing you with a relationship that you could rely on now in the middle of this apocalypse. 

“I’ll just hop over to Dunkin,” you joked, smiling at him as you held the end of the metal sheet he was hammering into the side of a car. “You want whipped cream on that?”

He grinned, leaning in close to you, “Oh, do not tempt me.” His breath was hot on your neck and you felt flushed all over. Definitely not from the sun as one of his hands held your waist and Negan’s other hand slipped into the back pocket of your jeans to cop a feel. 

“Hey, boss!” One of the other workers shouted, catching Negan’s attention. 

His forehead hit your shoulder and he groaned. “Always fucking something!”

“Get to it boss.” You teased, nudging him with your hip. 

His grip on your waist tightened. “Watch yourself sweetheart.” With that he was off you, sauntering away down the fence to the other men at work as if nothing had just happened. 

You got back to work to, walking down a ways to where Jared and Pots were, grabbing the end of a pipe to move into position. The three of you worked in almost complete silence aside from the occasional direction from Pots. He seemed just as willing to be out here roasting in the sun as you and everyone else following Negan were. All of you understood what it meant to be out here. You had a chance at survival, outliving whatever this was. 

“Gavin’s going on a run tomorrow,” Jared mentioned, coming up beside you to hold a broken piece of pipe in place that you didn’t really need help with. 

“Yeah?” You asked, trying to gauge why he was mentioning it to you. Jared, as you knew, had been deemed Gavin’s to worry about. He’d been alright in the group so far but you’d seen the way that Jared reacted to killing walkers. A little too zealous about the gruesome act. So was Negan, and most of the men who were part of this group, but there was something more chaotic about Jared. Something you chose not to think about. Something that Negan had obviously picked up on as he had given Gavin strict instructions to watch him and make sure nothing bad happened. You needed to survive and you knew Jared was an asset. He was good out there, fearless almost.

“You wanna come? It was gonna be just us but we could use the extra hand and you were pretty good taking out geeks the other day.” 

“How sweet of you to say.” You joked, smiling at him. 

Jared ran a hand through his hair, gathering it all into a ponytail as a breeze passed, cooling both of you for a split second, and then dropped it again, the strands falling back over his shoulders. “I would trust you not to accidentally kill me out there.”

“Are you saying I’d purposely kill you?” 

Regardless of Jared’s homicidal tendencies you got along with him pretty well. He could be combative with the other guys sometimes, especially with Jim or Pete, but he was alright to you. Funny and easy to talk to without trying to flirt. Simon was always making comments and Negan was Negan. Gavin treated you like a daughter, always eager to help you with something or show you how to do something without the irritating ‘mansplaining’ that all your mom’s passed boyfriends had been good at. 

“You aren’t that good yet.” He laughed. 

“What!” You laughed and smacked his arm, “I could totally take you down, no problem!” 

“Keep telling yourself that.” Jared boasted.

“Hey, lovebirds, in case you didn’t notice we got shit to get done here, stop fucking around and get back to work.” Negan called, walking back toward the both of you; heavy, purposeful steps. He looked annoyed but you thought it was misplaced if it was at the two of you, Jared had most of the section delegated to him finished and you were just about done too. 

“What crawled up his ass?” Jared muttered when Negan was far enough away that he wouldn’t hear either of you. 

You shrugged, wiping your forehead with the back of your hand and smearing some dirt there. If it was possible the sun felt like it was only getting hotter and hotter. Pots held his hand out as he came over, waving his fingers for you to hand over the water bottle. You passed it to him, watching as he took a rather large gulp before passing it off to Jared. 

-

Still in the trailers that night you stepped over Fat Joey’s snoring body to get to your spot, between Negan and the wall. He didn’t want anyone trying anything ‘funny’ as he called it, while people were sleeping. The two trailers were right out front of the factory, probably a contractor’s old office space. Some of the guys had thrown out the desk and papers in the one trailer, leaving the trash in the yard without concern. The desk, you had mentioned to Negan, might be useful. 

Outside, the sound of footsteps above your head echoed. Jim and some guy Richie, were on watch tonight and it was Jim on the roof. You only knew that because you knew that Richie was afraid of heights. He’d mentioned it the other day when he asked you to climb the ladder for him. 

“No matter how old I get I’m still fucking petrified of being up high.” He had mentioned, hands on the legs of the ladder as you climbed.

“Some people are.” You had replied. It really wasn’t that big of a deal nor did you think it was necessary that he disclose it to you but if that made him feel better who were you to judge.

Tonight he was on watch while you were getting some sleep. You’re night shift was tomorrow with Gavin. Negan was still outside, even with the door closed you could hear his booming voice bullshitting with one of the guys. In the corner of the trailer Simon was taking off his button-down and his belt. He looked over and met your eyes as Negan’s laugh sounded through the walls. 

“So fucking loud.” You muttered, rolling your eyes.

“Tell me about it sweetheart.” He laughed, “don’t know how you sleep with him snoring.”

It was true, Negan was loud all the time, including in his sleep. He sounded like a truck horn. Sometimes it woke you and you just laid there awake for a couple minutes, trying not to laugh before you’d elbow him and tell him to stop snoring. It wasn’t like that would actually work but usually it disturbed him long enough that you could get back to sleep. When his wife was still alive, and well, you could remember the handful of times she'd bitched about the volume at which Negan seemed to exist. It had never really bothered you before but now, when everything else felt so quiet most days, and when you were spending every waking moment in close proximity to each other, it was clear that Lucille had not been exaggerating. Negan was loud. Always. 

“It’s a mystery to me.” You replied, pulling your bra strap out of your sleeve and then slipping the bra off through the neckline of your shirt. You hated sleeping in your jeans but you’d be damned if you had to sleep in your bra too. 

Simon’s eyes were on your chest immediately, as if he was going to see anything through the loose-fitting dark t-shirt you were sporting. He didn’t seem embarrassed to be caught when you cleared your throat and he looked up to meet your eyes, “you can always come over here, I got plenty of room. It’s starting to get a little chilly too, promise to keep you warm.” 

“Is that the only line you have Si?” You asked, getting under the blanket. 

“It working yet?” 

“It most certainly is not.” Negan announced, walking into the small trailer. You hadn’t realized that he had opened the door and stepped in until you heard his voice. For someone that you had admonished for being loud he could clearly be silent when he needed to. 

You looked back at Simon and shrugged. He shook his head and turned away from the two of you, getting comfortable on his sleeping bag. Meanwhile Negan laid Lucille against the wall and started to strip, taking off his shoes and jacket before shedding his shirt. You were already laying on your back when he laid down beside you, throwing his arm over your waist and making himself comfortable on his stomach. The intimacy that you had adapted to in the short time since you reunited with Negan was exceptional. You didn’t think of it as romantic or holding any great meaning, just a necessary way of coping for all parties involved. 

“Night.”

“Night.” You replied, closing your eyes against the dark.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Only mentions of Negan in this one. On a run with Jared and Gavin.

"There's nothing here." You called, rifling through the picked over shelves of vitamins in the CVS Gavin had parked the truck outside of. Jared had gone in first to. clear the building and then you and Gavin followed him, splitting up to try and find whatever you could. Gavin was, hopefully, having an easier time finding something useful behind the pharmacy counter. You could hear the rustling of paper bags as he sifted through medicine that had never been picked up. Jared was filling up bags with non-perishable food that had been left behind. 

"Keep looking." Gavin called, appearing from behind the counter, bags laden with medicine. "What about gauze-" 

"I got it. Gauze, band aids, all that shit.” You replied, stuffing a bottle of gummy vitamins in your backpack. “But literally...unless you want like, some adult diapers, there’s nothing here.” 

“Pack ‘em, Negan looked like he was gonna piss himself the other day when you were talking to Simon,” Jared quipped. 

You flipped him off and continued down the aisle of vitamins, throwing in ones that looked useful. This was the second pharmacy in a three mile radius that you had hit with Gavin and Jared. The first was an old Rite-Aid with cigarettes and health supplies but little medicine and food. The CVS seemed to be balancing that find out and, as selfish as it sounded, you couldn’t wait to get back to the Sanctuary. 

“Hey Gavin, what are the chances you’ll piggyback me to the car?” You called over the top of the aisle. “My legs are like...super tired.” 

“You’ll be fine.” Gavin shouted back, continuing further into the CVS. 

You squatted down to look at vitamins on a bottom shelf and dropped onto your butt before laying all the way down. You spread your arms and legs out, laying on the scratchy gray carpeting of the drug store. It pricked your bare arms but you didn’t care, closing your eyes. Jared came around the corner with a shopping cart of supplies, lingering at the top of the aisle. 

“How much do I get for running her over?” Jared asked as Gavin came over. 

“Get up,” Gavin called, “before I drag you outside by your ankles.” 

“At least than I wouldn’t be walking.” Your short-lived nap put on hold, you got up off the ground and followed Jared and Gavin toward the doors. Jared had pulled the sliding glass doors closed behind him when the three of you had entered the CVS, locking them as a precaution so it was a shock to all of you went you walked down the aisle and saw the doors directly ahead of you wide open.

“Jared,” You reached for his arm just as Gavin grabbed your wrist and pulled. The three of you dropped into a squat, shopping cart sitting partially out of the aisle as Gavin held his hand up for you and Jared to be quiet. “No one is here,” you whispered, “maybe Jared didn’t close the door.” 

“I closed the door.” Jared hissed. 

“Shut up, both of you.” Gavin said. He stood slowly, careful not to straighten out all the way, and brandished his gun. He waved signals with his free hand to each of you, sending Jared back down the other end of the aisle. “Stay here.” 

The drug store was quiet, eerily so now that you had the opportunity to think about it. You crouched, back against the shelving unit and gun in hand, as you listened for any sign of movement. Jared and Gavin had long since left the aisle. The door was wide open not fifteen feet ahead of you and from your position you could just make out the truck in the parking lot. You took a quick account of the drugstore, peeking over the shelves for any sign of your group before carefully, and quietly, making your way toward the exit. You could see, just by the tire of Gavin’s truck, a boot. Whoever had been in was out now and whether they had friends you couldn’t let them get away with the supplies you’d gathered. 

Gavin’s brief training had paid off, as had years of sneaking out of the house undetected, as you came up behind the person at the truck. “Don’t move.” Gun drawn, you stood just far enough away that you couldn’t be taken by surprise. “Hands up.” 

The person, back to you, raised their hands. You walkied Gavin, “I’ve got one outside.” 

“We’re clear in here. Coming out.” 

“Turn around, slowly.” You ordered, “hands up.” 

The person turned, a woman a few years older than you stared you down, not even a hint of fear in her eyes as Gavin and Jared joined you outside, guns drawn. 

“You got a name?” Gavin asked, nodding for Jared to disarm her. Two guns and three knives hidden on her person. She didn’t reply to him but kept her eyes straight ahead, looking just over your shoulder. “Get the cords from the truck bed.” 

Jared grabbed the rope that Gavin mentioned and got to work tying her arms behind her back. He tied her ankles for good measure and when he was crouched down at her feet she spit on him, which only elicited a laugh as if the entire thing was hilarious. Both men together hauled her into the bed of the truck and Gavin followed behind her, sitting across from her and holding his gun on her. 

“Finish loading up. Jared drives.” He instructed, keeping his eyes on her the entire time.

\- 

“What do you think they’re talking about?” You asked, leaning on the wall opposite Negan’s ‘office’ door. Across from you Fat Joey sat on a chair, AR-15 in his lap. Jared was sitting beside you, leaned against your leg as you both waited to hear the verdict on the person you had found at the CVS. Jared had radioed Simon as requested and you had been met at the gate by Simon, Negan, and a handful of others. Now you were waiting outside as Negan, Simon, and Gavin talked to the woman you’d brought in. 

You felt Jared shrug against your leg, "who the fuck cares." 

“Might be important.” 

“Fuck this, I’m starving.” Jared announced, getting up off the ground and raking his hands through his hair. 

Joey perked up at the mention of food, “bring me something?” 

“Sure.” You promised, pushing Jared’s back to guide him down the hall, away from Negan’s office. He didn’t need much prompting though, as he walked toward the stairs. You were still curious but you pushed it to the side as you headed into the kitchen for food. 

Jared rummaged through cupboards as you sat on the counter. “I thought it was going to be worse.” You admitted. The rush of adrenaline that coursed through you when Gavin had pulled you down sent sparks through your body. You weren’t sure if you had wanted to find whoever it was or not. Worse case scenarios had invaded your thoughts as you crouched in the aisle and even now you felt a gentle tingling all over your body, leftover from earlier. 

“You worry to fucking much.” Jared replied, tossing you a bag of pretzels. 

“You weren’t worried?” 

“Why should I be? If we die, whatever. If we don’t then we don’t.” 

“Very philosophical.” 

“Don’t be a bitch.” He pulled himself onto the counter next to you and held his hand out for some of the pretzels. “You did good out there.” 

“Thanks.” You smiled, surprised by the compliment. 

Footsteps sounded in the hallway, lighter than Negan’s, and both of you craned your necks to see who was out there without having to get off the counter. A second later Gavin appeared in the doorway. “There you are, you were supposed to wait. Negan wants a rundown of what happened.” 

“Sure.” Jared hopped down and you followed suit, taking the bag of pretzels for Joey. “What’s happening with the girl?” 

“She’s staying.” Gavin replied. “Simon took her to a room.” 

“She’s got to be vetted.” Jared said, looking over at you. 

“Why are you telling me?” 

“Cause you didn't have to be vetted so you don’t know what it’s like.” He replied, “we can’t all show up on the road and suck some dick for shelter.” 

“You could if you tried Jared.” 

Jared shoved you but he was grinning, “it’ll be better in here. Least there are walls and you aren’t just chained up outside.” 

"What?" You looked between Gavin and Jared for some sort of explanation but Gavin was busy glaring at Jared as though he'd said something he wasn't supposed to.


	5. Chapter Five

“His what?” You asked, sitting at the small table in Simon’s room. On the last run Fat Joey had almost tripped over a case of tequila (probably the best thing he’d ever done) and you were splitting a bottle with Simon after dinner. You’d thought about offering it to Negan but he was nowhere to be seen. As Simon had quickly filled you in though, he was off romancing his new “wife”. 

“Cut some sorta deal with ‘em. We don’t go into their community and they give us produce and animals when we want.” Simon replied, recounting the transaction that had taken place between Negan and the leader of another community. It was foolish to think that you were the only ones setting up shop in Virginia and yet seeing another human always took you by surprise. 

“So how does the wife come into play?” You asked, curious. 

“Said he wouldn’t bash anyone’s head in if one of their women ‘married’ him…think her name is Vicky, either way she agreed pretty quickly.” 

“No shit,” You rolled your eyes, “what’s she gonna say?” 

-

It was you, Arat, Richie, and Norris that had forced the Sanctuary to go on offense which was what had, in turn, forced this Vicki to 'marry' Negan. You were scouting when you crossed paths with some members of the other community. An accident, really. Arat saw them first and suggested just leaving them be, there was barely anything salvageable in the strip of stores you were going through. Anything perishable had soured already and everything else was worthless. Norris, bored and antsy, decided to provoke them. 

You were inside a discount store with Richie, trying to lay low from others, when you heard a gunshot and Arat yelling, “Norris, you fucking idiot!” 

“What’s going on?” Richie called, looking out toward the propped open door. Arat was backing into the store with Norris. 

“Norris fired at some people, fucking missed.” 

“Hit their horse though.” Norris sounded stupidly proud.

“Brilliant, how many?” You asked, moving to give yourself more coverage and turning off the safety on your gun. 

“Five or six.” Norris replied. 

"Five or six?" Richie repeated, "you gotta be fucking kidding me man!" 

And then all hell broke loose. The six of them came into the store, guns drawn and the fight in your 'fight or flight' took over. You backed down one of the aisles, holstering your gun back in place and grabbing a broom. Thankful for the wooden handle you stepped on the neck, snapping off the bottom to use as a weapon. Arat was at the end of the aisle, backing in and you whispered her name under the sound of gunshots. 

“I heard walkers near the entrance.” She commented, following your lead and snapping another broom. “Couldn’t tell how many.” 

“I’ll get Richie and Norris, find the back door.” You instructed. 

She nodded and left, disappearing back down the aisle while you headed toward the sound of the gunshots. Never in your life did you think that you would be actively going toward a gun. You pushed down the feeling of fear, the same one that dictated your actions when your mother died, and turned down an aisle, coming up behind one of the strangers and piercing them with the jagged end of the broom. The force of the thrust sent them to the ground and you fell over them, grabbing the gun and slid out of his hand and turning quickly, shooting him in the head when he lunged for you. 

“Damnit,” You muttered, wiping at the blood on your face with your sleeve and getting to your feet. 

You heard Richie before you saw him, shouting back at Norris as he came around a corner and collided with you. He threw his gun up, ready to shoot. "Holy shit! Richie!" You hissed, grabbing at his gun and shoving it out of your face. "Are you out of your fucking mind?"

"Sorry, sorry...I'm just jazzed."

"Yeah well, fucking un-jazz. How many so far?" You asked, moving to check around the aisle.

“We got three down so far, trying to find Norris.” Richie replied, leaning in close to you.

“I got one back there,” You whispered, following him further into the aisle, “Arat’s finding us an exit, said she saw walkers.” 

“Yeah, bout a dozen…haven’t gotten in yet but the door was off its hinges so it’s just a matter of time and they’re building.” 

The store had quieted, no shots were being fired and you could hear the moaning coming from the entrance of the store. “Give me a boost.” You nodded up to the top of the refrigerated cases. If you could get up there you could see better and hopefully you could avoid being shot. 

“Will do.” Holstering his gun, Richie laid his hands palms up so you could step up on them. Hands on his shoulders you put your right foot on his palms and he lifted. You turned halfway up, grabbing the top of the refrigerated case and climbing on. 

You kept yourself on your stomach, flat against the case trying not to draw attention to yourself. Ahead of you was the front door, off it’s hinges like Richie said with just a few walkers making it threw the small opening provided, others banging against it. The dozen had seemingly multipled in the minutes since you got in the store. You took the spare gun from your jeans and aimed at the stranger you could see behind the register. Gavin said you were improving with your distance shots and he was obviously correct cause you got this guy right in the head. 

“Five.” You heard Richie say. Norris appeared from behind a shelving unit and you sat up, dangling your legs over the side. 

“Six.” Norris held up another gun, “got one in the aisle.” 

“Grab the other gun and let’s go.” Richie instructed him. Just as he said it there was a crash and the door fell, crushing some of the walkers as others piled in. 

“Go!” You shouted, “Norris, go!” You pulled your legs up and stood on the case, turning to find Arat by the back doors, “Richie, straight ahead to the left, Arat’s got an exit.” 

Richie ran toward Arat while Norris grabbed the gun from the last stranger. He booked it too and you ran the length of the case before jumping off, landing on one of the walkers who had made it further into the store. Kicking the head in as you got to your feet you took off again, catching up with them just as Arat got the back door open. The adrenaline during runs was your favourite. There was an exact structure that had to be followed, allowing you little time to think about deviating from the plan. Even when the plan didn’t work and you had to improvise that always followed a structure too. It was easy to fight when you knew exactly what to do and you had to stay alive. 

Richie and Norris climbed in the front of the car while you and Arat got in the back. A dead walker laid near the left with the broken broom handle through its eye. You leaned against the seat, covered in walker guts and blood you grimaced as you breathed in, wondering if you’d ever get used to the smell. 

The six strangers who you’d killed in the discount store ended up being members of some post apocalyptic community closer to the Sanctuary than you thought. Negan had been slowly accumulating people for his ‘new world order’ and the existence of another semi-large community threatened his ability to lead. 

Especially when "you fucking provoke them into a fight! The fuck were you thinking? Pete got fucking kidnapped! Fucking walking outside and snatched the fuck up because of you fuckers!"

“They attacked us boss,” Norris explained, “we didn’t do nothing.” 

You wanted so badly to roll your eyes but Negan was sitting there at a conference table like this was some episode of the apprentice while Norris all but offered to suck his dick while he grovelled. Arat stared straight ahead, expressionless and Richie looked ready to ring Norris’ neck. You had all agreed in the car ride back to the Sanctuary that you would deny any attack at all. But Norris had copped to it at the drop of a hat. Simon and Gavin flanked Negan on either side, also sitting behind the table. Simon leaning back in the office chair, looking relaxed as could be while Gavin actually looked like he was listening to Norris’ story. 

“That right?” Negan asked. When no one answered he repeated himself, “I said, that right? Richie?” 

“Yeah boss.” 

“Yeah, yeah you were just minding your own fucking business when these assholes showed up?” 

“Yeah.” 

“You hear that Si?” Negan asked, looking over to Simon, smiling. “Well, maybe I should go down there and tell ‘em it was all an accident. You think we should do that Richie? Tell ‘em it was a misunderstanding.” 

“Well, uh,” Richie was a tough guy, the very definition of macho, but he clammed up every time Negan asked him a direct question. 

“Hey, Prom Queen, do me a solid?” Negan asked, turning his attention to you. 

You looked over at him, meeting his gaze. Regardless of your silent berating of Richie you totally understood why he freaked when Negan talked to him, you did too, especially when he looked so pissed off. “Yes boss?” 

“Go with Gavin to the camps and tell them that we can talk tomorrow, sun up, right outside.” Negan replied. “Meeting fucking adjourned.”   
-

“Doesn't matter anyway, they should all be fucking grateful they're alive.” Simon commented. 

"They had a pretty big community Si, just cause we smoked 'em out doesn't mean that we could've taken them for real." 

"Don't let Negan hear you say that."

"Say what? That his precious plan was flawed? He doesn't care about new people and expanding the Sanctuary or whatever shit he spews. All he cares about is getting his dick wet and he did." You mouthed off, alcohol brain word vomitting all over the place. You would have never said any of this sober. Especially not to Simon. 

"Someone sounds jealous." Simon joked, watching the way your eyes went wide at his accusation. 

“I'm not jealous. I don't give a shit about him, I just think he should have our interests in mind if he's going throw us into situations like this.” You reached across the table to grab the tequila but Simon put his hand on the bottle.

"Pretty sure it was Richie and his tigger-happy stupidity that put us in the situation."

"Well Richie isn't the one getting off with a 'primo new snatch' as you so elegantly put it." You replied.

"Oh sweetheart-"

"Don't 'oh sweetheart' me. I'm not jealous." You pried the alcohol away, pouring more into your glass, "and stop hogging the booze."

Simon rubbed his hand across his jaw, the light scratching noise from his stubble reaching your ears and making you grin around the glass at your lips. Negan had some pretty strict rules about what you were and were not allowed to do, concerned that something could go wrong if he let his guard down. You were no longer the only woman in the camp but certainly still the youngest. 

“So this ‘wife’…what’s she look like?” You asked. 

“Why? You're not jealous."

"Simon!"

"Don't worry, she's nothing special. I'm sure Negan will still be following you around like a dog." Simon teased.

“He doesn’t do that.” Sure, he showed you a little extra attention now and then but you just chalked that up to him knowing you for a long time and wanting to be sure you were okay. Before Arat arrived you were the only female in this group and even now, as you absolved more groups into yours and more women and children became part of the Sanctuary you were still one of the few women who had an active role amongst his elite. 

“He can sniff you out from a mile away, only reason he hasn’t shown up to break this shindig up is cause he’s preoccupied with his new wife.” Simon replied, taking a swig of the tequila and passing it back to you. 

“Whatever.” You rolled your eyes, “I was just asking what she looked like in case I see her around. I don’t care about Negan or his new wife or whatever.” 

Simon leaned back to observe you for a moment, scratching at his facial hair as he did. The grin was back, slowly breaking into a full and lecherous smile as he regarded you. Finally he sat forward, the front two legs of the chair he was in groaning under the sudden shift in weight. He placed his hands on his knees like he was ready to stand up and his smile was almost taunting. “Alright, prove it.” 

“Prove what?” You asked, shifting to watch him stand up. 

“That you aren’t as hung up on Negan as he is on you.” 

“He isn’t ‘hung up’ on me.” You replied, throwing in air quotes just to be dramatic.

“Oh, please. Cut the act Prom Queen, if you went to his room right now and told him to do you he would drop that chick like she was infected. Pussy’s a hot commodity around here and it just so happens that you got one. And a pretty face to boot.” 

“You really know how to talk to ladies Si.” You commented.

“It doesn’t have to be anything serious. I’m not asking you to be my wife.”

“You’re serious?” You asked, grabbing the bottle of tequila and taking another swig, “you’re really gonna fuck me?”

“Hey, I know the rules better than anyone. I need a yes so you don’t go crying to Negan afterward.” 

“Nice, real top-notch morals you got there.” You laughed. 

In retrospect you probably should have been more focused on dealing with what was happening and not just burying it in the back of your mind. Having sex with Simon or flirting with Negan was not going to ease the trauma of your mother’s death or the time you spent out there on your own. But you weren’t ready to face that or think about it and the worse part of finding this place was sleeping alone. 

“Yes or no?” Simon asked again, ignoring your slight. “C’mon, he’s trying to play it cool, act like he doesn’t wanna bend you over every chance he gets. I’m just laying all my cards on the table.” 

“If I didn’t have so much tequila in my system I’d be way more grossed out right now.” You replied, downing almost the entire rest of the bottle in one go. You held the last of it out for Simon and he took it gratefully, finishing off what was left. “Well screw dignity.” You announced, standing up. 

“That a yes?” Simon asked, laying the bottle on the table and reaching for your belt. His hand stopped right at the buckle, fingers grazing the skin above your jeans as he waited for the green light. 

“Yes.” You nodded, what did you have to lose? At least you wouldn’t be alone tonight.


	6. Chapter 6

This was how it started, you thought. With the brush of a hand down your bare arm or against your lower back. He leaned too close when he stood beside you, invaded your personal space too often. It was an all-encompassing feeling of being surrounded by him. You weren't totally sure that you liked it but you liked having someone pay you a little attention. Gavin warned you, in so many words, to be careful. 

“Don’t play with fire.” 

Arat seemed to pick up on the subtle hints of something other than general camaraderie but she said nothing about it. A tsk maybe when he said he wanted to speak to you alone, but maybe you were just imagining it. Negan seemed dumb to the change in behaviour, his lieutenant’s altered state went over his head but, despite his stupor, Simon walked with a different swagger. Like he had won something. Negan had upped his count to two wives but that meant nothing in the long game. As Simon saw it, he had the thing Negan wanted, you. And he knew he didn’t have you forever, you knew he didn’t have you forever. The only important fact in all of it was that Negan didn’t and might never and Simon knew exactly what it looked like to have you. 

“And here Pots said I took the short-stick working night shift,” Simon’s voice wasn’t as smooth as Negan’s but there was something there, something that pulled you in. 

You turned away from the fence, relaxing the hold on your rifle and leaning it back to rest the barrel against your arm. Simon was smiling like he won the lottery, pearly teeth peeking out from beneath his porn-stache. You rolled your eyes, “Eye-candy isn’t all its cracked up to be, especially when you can still smell these fuckers.” 

A walker on the other side of the barricade groaned, as if offering up an example for you. 

“You could always sweeten the pot, just us two out here anyway.” 

“Like hell.” You replied, “You want your dick wet so bad you can go the fuck over the fence. Bet they’d love it.” You snapped your teeth playfully and Simon howled with laughter. 

“Hearing that foul mouth of yours does things to a man, Prom Queen.” He was still grinning as you turned away, opting to ignore him instead of goading him further. He was insatiable and he would always win. 

You walked a short ways away from him and he didn’t follow, watching the walkers banging against the barricade that had been built up to keep them out. He looked rather stoic, more the second in command that he was than any other time that you encountered him. In truth, you had taken night-shift to put some distance between the two of you, knowing that Jared always got stuck on night with Fat Joey or Pete. Some unlucky bastard that Negan didn’t give a shit about in actuality. You were not built for night shift but you were feeding a habit that needed to be starved and if staying up 24 hours could help you would take it. He wouldn’t look so good if you weren’t being fucked by him. But then he showed up, touting his gun and mouthing off and somehow his general asshole/creep personality was really doing it for you in the middle of the apocalypse. 

“Heard from Gavin that you’ve been checking up on that baby they brought in.” Simon mentioned, walking back your way. He was wearing an unreadable expression. Would you get lectured on being too soft or did he have some tragic story to share? 

“What about him?” According to his mother, who had recovered from Jared’s uncontrollable temper, his name was Colin and he was only seven months. Put his birth a little after the dead started to rise. He’d never know another world. 

“If you’re so eager to play mom-“

“God Si, shut the fuck up!” You snapped, shoving him when he got too close. “I thought you were trying to have a fucking actual conversation with me.”

“I’m just messing with ya sweetheart,” he laughed, unfazed by your outburst. “Look, what I meant to say was, you watch yourself. They get under your skin, make you think they’re your friends, they’ll turn on you in an instant.” 

“They didn’t have guns when we pulled them off the road Si, they aren’t plotting anything awful. Besides, aren’t they supposed to be part of our community now?” You asked, repeating the promise Negan had made them. Or the threat, you were having trouble deciding. 

“You can’t trust anyone darling, the sooner you know that, the better off you’ll be.” Simon crowded into your space, looming over you. When he leaned back to look at you, pushing his torso out, you could feel the metal of his belt buckle against your stomach. He was too close. 

“Not even you?”

“A warm pussy ain’t a good enough reason to keep anyone around.” He back off, stepping away from you and turning back to the fence. He was casual in his movements, unbothered, but your neck and face were warm and your hands clammed around your gun. 

It struck you that he was more at ease with the idea of killing you than you wanted him to be. But where had the conversation started, this wasn’t about you and Simon. This was about-

“Babies are babies, they don’t think about anything but sleep and their mothers. I don’t have to protect them to want to protect him.” You had let Jared go, unfazed when he pistol whipped the mother and you wouldn’t have cared if Gavin shot every one of them on sight. You only cared about the baby. 

“Yeah and he’ll grow up with them whispering in his ear,” Simon replied. 

“Then don’t let them.” 

-

Negan was sitting in your chair in the corner. It was the first conscious thought you had when you woke up after sleeping off a night shift. He was sitting with Lucille on the table in front of him. His hand rested on her neck and when he realized you were waking up he gripped the wood, lifting her just enough to smack her against the table with a resounding thud. 

“Rise and fucking shine sweetheart,” his voice was too loud for just waking up and it jolted you’re system more than Lucille had. 

“Negan? What are you doing in my room?” You sat up, pulling the covers against you and leaning in on yourself. 

“Well darling, I was upstairs, going about my morning, fucking one a my gorgeous new wives-“ 

You rolled your eyes. 

“When I thought to myself, damn it, I sure do miss visiting that sweet little thing downstairs. So here I am, thought I’d pop in, catch up on how you’ve been doing.” 

“Fine.”

“That all?” 

“Yes.” It sounded more like a question than a sure fire statement as you regarded him. He’d never been in your room before. Simon had, plenty of times now, in fact his beige button down was hanging off the chair across from Negan and you briefly wondered if he recognized the shirt or if he was still so hung up on his wives that he had no clue. 

“Gavin said you been a little extra attentive to our new guests and their bundle of joy.”

“Yeah well, he’d have been telling you that Jared fed that baby to walkers if it wasn’t for me.” You commented. “You gonna punish me for being a bleeding heart?”

“Oh ho ho,” Negan grinned, tilting back in his chair, “do not tempt me sweetheart.”

“Negan-”

“What’s got you so hung up on this baby?” He asked, leaning forward, hands on his knees as if he was about to stand up. “You got some dark secret you never told me about?”

“No.” You rolled your eyes at the suggestion, a common occurrence when you were around Negan, though he was more forgiving of the slight when other people weren’t around. “I just think…this baby isn’t going to remember the old world and, if this is how the new world is going to be…communities like ours…then we have a real opportunity to foster whatever kind of plan we have for a new world order in kids like this. I know it sounds cheesy but, they’re the future.” 

Negan seemed contemplative for a moment before he stood up and crossed the room to your bed. He leaned down to place a kiss on your forehead and then straightened himself out. “You got a good head on your shoulders Prom Queen.”

“Thanks?”

“Well I had better get back to work,” He grabbed Lucille off the table and leaned her against his shoulder, “and you can get your pretty ass up and out, we got a busy day ahead of us.”

“I was awake all night.” You groaned, pulling yourself out of bed. 

Negan had his hand on the doorknob to leave but as you went rummaging through your limited clothing supply he took a seat on the bed, Lucille resting between his legs. 

“You’re really gonna stay while I get dressed?” 

“Gotta make sure you don’t try anything, it’s the pretty ones that always disregard the rules and try to pull one over on you.” He mentioned, “trust me, I was not your teacher so long ago that I don’t remember all the times your sweet ass sat on the bench claiming you were sick.” 

“I don’t need a babysitter just because I wouldn’t run laps in high school.” You pointed out, pulling your shirt over your head. The lack of bra left you in only your underwear and pulled a toothy grin from Negan. 

“Well I’m enjoying the view too, so don’t you worry.”

“Lovely.”

“Hey, ask me to leave, I will.”

You shook your head, “It’s fine.” 

When you moved closer to grab your jeans from the end of the bed he slipped two fingers into the side of your underwear, using them to pull you closer to him, mindful that you didn’t run into Lucille with your bare legs and feet. This close though, you could feel his warm breath across your stomach and you bit down on your lip when he leaned forward, placing a kiss so lightly against your ribs that you thought it was your imagination. His stubble brushed your breast as he pulled away. 

“Heard you been sneaking around with someone.”

“Who told you that?”

“Fat Joey said he doesn’t know who but he saw you creeping into someone’s room.”

So Fat Joey did know who. He knew everyone’s rooms which meant that he’d either not been forthcoming because he knew Simon would put a bullet in him or Negan did know and he was playing a game with you. “Fat Joe doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m not sneaking around with anyone.”

“That’s good, cause there’d be consequences if you did.” He replied, laying another kiss a little lower. 

“You’d punish me for sleeping with someone?” 

“Oh no sweetheart, I would punish whatever fucker tried to put their hands on you. Just so we are clear, you may enjoy a certain autonomy but everything in here belongs to me. Including you and if I say that you are off limits than you are off limits. Understood?”

“Autonomy? That’s a pretty big word.” You teased, ignoring his warning. 

“My new wife’s got a fancy vocabulary on her.” He grinned, back to joking, “can’t suck dick to save her life…literally…but she’s got a decent brain rattling around up there. What about you?”

“What about me?”

“Say this right here was a life or death situation.” He leaned away from you just enough to look like he was presenting himself to you. 

“Maybe next time…didn’t you say you had work to do?” Out of his grasp you stepped away and grabbed your jeans. 

“That I do.” He stood once more and crowded into your space, different than Simon did but still as menacing, “I’ll come to collect another time.” He gave you one final kiss, just on the corner of your mouth and his hand grazed the side of your breast as he pulled away, “we are playing quite the long game but I’d be lying if I said all this teasing did not get me rock hard.”

The door slammed shut behind him and you sunk onto your bed, cursing Fat Joey and, incidentally, yourself for enjoying Negan a little too much.


	7. Chapter Seven

“I’ve got a run in the morning.” You stood blocking the door to your room, a grin threatening to break your attempt at stoicism. Despite constant reminders that Simon was a douche and just a place to hang your hat for the time being, you would be lying if you said that he wasn’t growing on you, at least a little. Nothing like romance, you would certainly consider yourselves friends though. 

“Yeah I know, who do you think is leading it?” Simon replied, hand creeping it’s way around your waist. He pulled you a little further out of your room, leaning down to place a kiss on your neck, “I’ll be sure to get your ass up bright and early, don’t worry.” 

“I think this might be considered favouritism.” You joked, “but I’m not sure who’s benefiting from it.” 

“You will be tomorrow when you aren’t crammed in the back seat of Pete’s truck with Fat Joey.” 

“Fuck you Simon,” you groaned, nudging him away from you with your forearm pressed to his abdomen. He didn’t budge. “Why do you always bring Pete, he’s a fucking cunt.” 

“Damn sugar, those are some awfully naughty words for such a delicious mouth.” 

“You know sometimes I can’t tell you and Negan apart.” You laughed. The two of you were still in the entry way of your room, playing with fire because there would be a hailstorm of punishment if Negan caught you. 

“I got a bigger dick.”

“I wouldn’t know,” you replied, the hand that had tried to push him away now closed over his belt buckle, pulling him closer, “I’ve only seen yours.” 

-

The morning came to find you a little worse for wear, waking up the way you didn’t want to, with Simon in your bed. His arm was over your back, face planted in the pillow beside yours as he snored, loud enough that you thought Negan would realize he was there just from the noise. You peeled yourself out of the bed, sweaty and feeling distinctly gross as you found a water bottle on the ground and began to wash yourself off with it. First between your legs, scrubbing the skin on your inner thighs until it was itched red from the washcloth. Then the rest of your body, all the while checking over your shoulder to be sure Simon wasn’t awake. If he woke up you imagined him asking for one more round before the run, that cheeky smile trying to entice you to fall back into bed with him. 

You dressed quickly and left, carrying your boots in your hand as you walked the halls of the Sanctuary in your socks. It was still quiet, you had woken early enough that no one going on the run had begun to prepare for the day. It gave you an unwanted moment of solitude as you made your way down to the kitchen. Apocalypse or not you needed some carbs to soak up the alcohol from the night before. You only hoped that the muffins the woman from the new camp had managed to make were as good as they smelled yesterday when they were cooking. 

You turned the corner into the kitchen and almost screamed. “Holy Jesus! Fuck! Negan!” Laid bare in front of your tired eyes was Negan’s new wife, sprawled across the kitchen table with Negan kneeling between her legs. 

His wife did scream, almost kneeing him in the face as she threw herself off the table and grabbed her dress, hastily pulling it over her head. “Oh my god!” Her face was ten shades of red and she was brushing her hair back into an acceptable place.

“Hey sweetheart.” Negan greeted, stubbled chin glinting in the light of the kitchen lamp as he stood. He wiped his face and hands on an old rag hanging off one of the kitchen chairs, “just getting a little early morning snack. You know how it is.”

“Dear god.” You grumbled. You made a beeline for the cabinet you knew the muffins were in, ignoring the stuttering wife and Negan as he dismissed her back up to her bedroom. Once she was gone Negan took a seat in one of the chairs, tossing the rag to the center of the table. 

“Grab me a muffin would ya? I could use the sustenance.” He called. 

“This is where people eat Negan.” You mentioned, walking back to the table with muffins and handing him an extra water bottle.

“I was eating.” He grinned, grabbing your arm and pulling you onto his lap. 

“Giving and not receiving…how selfless of you.” You retorted, shifting when you felt him against your thigh.

“What can I say? I’m a selfless guy.” 

Despite knowing that encouragement would not quash his interest in you (though you weren’t certain you wanted to quash his interests) you stayed in his lap, sitting sideways with his arm around your waist as you ate your early morning snack. You considered the implications of anyone finding you and Negan like this, especially if that anyone were Simon. There was nothing he could say in front of Negan and you had made it clear that you had little interest in your ‘activities’ being indicators of any relationship outside of living and breathing in the same vicinity but you still wondered. Would he know that you were just playing the game or would he take it as a personal front that you’d left him sleeping in bed to find Negan. 

“You ready for the run today?” Negan asked, taking a swig of his water. You watched the way his adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. You could see how his new wife could have been so easily persuaded into laying across a public table for him. 

“I’ve been on plenty of runs Negan.” You replied, though truly you didn’t love being on them. Especially when you still didn’t trust a majority of the people that Negan had working for him. 

“Well that isn’t what I asked is it?” He asked, pinching your side. 

“I’m fine.” You stressed, “do you check on all your people this attentively?”

“Only my favorites.” He teased, laying a hand on your thigh. “So, who’re you hiding from darling?” 

“I’m not hiding from anyone _darling_. I wanted a muffin and I decided to come down and get one.” You said, picking off a piece of the muffin you mentioned and taking a bite. 

“I’ll tell you what, I like the sound of that.” He laughed. His hand ran up and down your thigh, scratching over the jean fabric covering your leg. 

“The sound of what?” You asked, grabbing his hand to stop him. 

“You calling me darling,” he leaned forward, mouth brushing against your ear, “darling.”

You bit your lip, “careful, your wife will get jealous if she hears you’re flirting with someone else.”

“That girl? She isn't in charge of me.” He replied, working his way down your neck with soft kisses. 

“I meant Lucille.” You said, eyes landing on the bat that sat propped against one of the kitchen counters. You felt his smile against your skin and the scratch of his stubble as he moved further down your collar. 

“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” He joked. 

“Negan.”

“What’s a matter? Afraid your boyfriend will find out?“ Negan asked, looking back up to meet your eyes. 

“I don’t…what?” As you sputtered he smiled, a smug grin on his face as he watched you try to talk your way out of his accusation. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Oh yeah?” 

“No boyfriend.” You replied, running your hand through his hair. When you got some distance from him it was easy to separate the man from the madness but when he was up close like this you felt a little like you were in a trance. “Why, you jealous?”

“Jealous? Well fuck darling, you’re here with me aren’t you? Think your boyfriend is the one who should be jealous.” He replied. The hand around your waist ghosted underneath your shirt and rang along your ribs. Soon people would be awake and you knew you would need to get ready for the run but for now you sat on Negan’s lap, leaning in to meet him in a kiss that you were certain you would regret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone that has been reading, commenting, sending kudos...whatever, it means a lot to me that you guys are so responsive to this!!


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Choices, choices.

“It was nothing.” You reassured, bouncing Jack on you hip as you stood in the common area of the Sanctuary. You were on night shift with Jared to make sure none of the newbies tried to make a break for it. You’d caught Jack’s mom in the hall, practically begging the baby to go back to sleep. Which was how you ended up with him now, clinging to you as you bounced him. 

“It wasn’t nothing,” Jared replied, taking a seat at one of the stools. He fiddled with the bowie knife that Pots had given him last week. He stabbed the tip of it into the seat of the stool, just between his legs and twisted it back and forth. 

The Sanctuary was lacking on the gossip-obsessed friends of your youth and you were making do with Jared, the only person who you trusted to listen to your soap-opera-esque triangle. He wouldn’t rat Simon out to Negan and he wasn’t going to blab to anyone that you had fucked Negan in the kitchen a whole four hours after fucking Simon (and less than an hour after Negan had gone down on one of his wives). Arat didn’t give two shits about your love life and, while Jared really didn’t either, he at least listened. And occasionally offered input. 

“Si and I aren’t like, ya know-” You waved your free hand around as you spoke. 

“It doesn’t matter what you’re doing…Negan’ll slice him open if he finds out he laid a hand on you.” Jared replied, digging the knife further into the stool. 

“He will not.” Though, in actuality you thought he might. Negan had been clear on multiple occasions that you were not to be touched. “I’m not a pet.”

Jared laughed and even Jack made a noise somewhere between a laugh and a gurgle. “That’s fucking hilarious. You’re funny, you know that?” 

“I’m not.”

“Yeah alright, whatever you say.” Jared replied. 

“I’m serious, I’m not! I can do whatever and whoever I want.” 

“As long as the whoever is Negan.” 

The sound of footsteps down the hall caught your attention before you could form a decent comeback for Jared and Jack’s mom appeared around the corner, her jacket tucked around her upper-half to ward off the cold of the warehouse at night. She looked hesitant as she approached the both of you, unsurprising given her history with Jared, and you met her halfway to hand off her son.

“Thanks for watching him, I needed the break.” She still looked as timid and meek as she had when you’d hauled her into the sanctuary two weeks before. Scared of everything and everyone. 

“No problem.” Jared piped up, looking over at her and smiling. “He was an angel.” 

Her eyes widened almost comically and you could see the anxiety in them as she looked at Jared. Despite the imposing figure that Negan could cut you knew that Jack’s mom was scared most of all by Jared. The thought of him babysitting likely had her imagining some fairly heinous situations, worthy of a Law and Order: SVU episode no doubt. She stuttered out a second thank you as she took Jack out of your hands and hurried back down the hall. 

Once she was out of sight you whacked Jared, sending him slightly off balance as the stool he’d been perched on tipped from the motion of him rocking away from you. “Stop freaking her out!”

“Easy there, Prom Queen.” 

“Dear god, don’t call me that!” You groaned, annoyed already by the nickname. It was bad enough that Negan and Simon had made it their life’s mission to torment you with that nickname, you didn’t need to hear Jared call you that too. 

“Aw, did I hurt your feelings?”

“I’ll hurt you in a second.” You threatened, though it was empty.

“Fine by me, I like it rough.” He grinned, snapping his teeth at you. 

“Why doesn’t that surprise me?”

-

You pulled the handkerchief up over your mouth and nose so you didn’t breathe in the smoke as the flames grew. The circle of trailers lit up quicker than you thought they would and you stood back, gasoline can in your hand as you watched them burn. The only light offered in the pitch-black Virginia night. The crackling sound of the fire did little to mask the far-off cry of walkers and the closer, more distinct, howls of pain as Negan took Lucille to the leader of your most recently acquired group. They’d made the deal earlier in the week when Simon and some of his men came across the Oregon Trail style set up in the woods. They were a small group, maybe ten at the most, and they’re leader seemed surprisingly willing to secede to Negan. Until tonight of course. They had grandstanded, tried to defeat him with what ammunition they had amongst them and now, well, Negan was teaching them a lesson. 

“Please!” A woman near you cried, thrashing around on the ground when Pots grabbed her by the ponytail. 

“Shut the fuck up,” Jared groaned, slamming the butt of his AR-15 into her face. Nose broken and unconscious, she fell limp in Pots’ grip. He didn’t miss a beat though, hauling her over his shoulder and loading her into the back of a truck with others who were less keen to put up a fight. “I can’t fucking stand these people.”

“Well I’m sure this is all a little traumatic for them.” You replied, putting the gasoline can back in the trunk of another vehicle. 

“Didn’t have to be.” Arat replied, scouting out what she could of the rubble.

It wasn’t exactly the same and you’d been on plenty of ‘missions’ as Jared had jokingly referred to them, but you felt a sudden wave of something sinister in your gut, a reminder that it wasn’t so long ago that you had been that woman, screaming in the upstairs room of your house as your crazy neighbor tried to both kill and violate you at the same time. It’d been the ‘ex machina’ of a pencil that had saved you, and a shocking amount of personal strength. As he grunted and sweated over you, promising to end it all soon and telling you how much he always liked you and your mom, you had jammed that pencil in his eye. It was mid-sentence and you had enjoyed the scream that nearly deafened your left ear as he rolled away from you. His hands groped at his face as you grabbed his knife from his belt and jammed it over and over and over again into him. You’d told Negan, when he’d found you, that Jerry had died from a shot between the eyes and you had, after it all, shot him in the head, but you weren’t sure exactly what it was that had truly killed him. 

“Hey Prom Queen!” Negan’s baritone cut through the haze in your mind and you met his eyes across the fire lit battleground. There was blood on his face and he was smiling like a kid at Christmas, “welcome back to the party, sweetheart.” 

“Sorry.” 

“Can’t afford to have you zoning out like that…what if one a these fuckers got the jump on me cause you were off in fucking la la land.” 

“Sorry Boss.” You replied, though a million other things came to mind that you would have rather said. There were a dozen guys around, who was he kidding? No one was gonna let him get hurt. 

“Alright boys, lets finish this up and head out.” He announced, loud and commanding. The men who had been standing around before snapped to action. One taking a Polaroid of the former lead and his mutilated corpse, another finishing up packing the trucks. You climbed in to Negan’s alongside Jared and Pots, watching Simon get into another. 

Jared seemed bloodier than anyone else, eyes dark and pupils dilated from the high of the kill, he had smears of blood on his face and hands, sprayed up his arms, staining parts of the shirt he would wear proudly again. Even his hair looked a little damp with it. There were two others who had gotten whacked and Jared looked like he’d bathed in their blood. And even as the car took off he shifted in his seat, antsy from the kills. 

The first of a hoard of walkers made their way into the blaze as Negan peeled out, headed back to the open road and away from the carnage. The truck behind yours filled with the leftovers of the camp. 

“I could go ten more rounds.” Jared mentioned, leaning into your space and staining your shirt when he brushed his arm against you. 

“God no, I just want a shower.” You replied. 

“Got a nice hot one right upstairs.” Negan commented, eyes meeting yours in the rearview. Gavin sat in the passenger seat beside him and, after shooting you a brief and warning look, he fixed his attention on the road. Ignorance was the closest thing to bliss that existed inside the Sanctuary and it’s ranks. 

“Tempting…but what will my boyfriend say?” You smiled. You’d been teasing Negan about a possible secret boyfriend since the kitchen, deciding to use it as leverage over him instead of cowering away from the rumor and pretending you didn’t have one. You didn’t, of course, Simon wasn’t a boyfriend.

“He can thank me for showing you a fucking good time right after I cut his fucking junk off cause…oh yeah, you’re fucking off limits Princess. Or do you need me to fucking make a sign for you?” Negan’s eyes narrowed as he watched you, tone heavy with annoyance.

“I wouldn’t mind seeing what the sign looks like.” You replied, smiling. 

Your house was directly next to Negan’s growing up, the layout a reverse of your own. From your own bathroom window you could see his and there had been more than one occasion in which you had gone into the bathroom only to see him across the way, window wide open as he stood naked in front of the sink. Once he’d caught you staring, well after your eighteenth birthday which you imagined being his ‘get out of jail free card’ and he had turned to grab a towel, giving you a full frontal view that you were embarrassed to admit you hadn’t looked away from. 

So as new recruits were stuck in the pen overnight and saviors disappeared into the halls of the sanctuary for sleep or food or whatever relief they chased, you found your way upstairs. You had to wonder briefly if Simon might look for you, if he was having the same idea play out that Negan was. A good fuck to satisfy the leftover endorphins. If he was he’d have to settle for someone else tonight. 

You were upstairs, pushing open the door to his bathroom, knowing it would be unlocked and hoping that in the lapse of time between exiting the truck and getting to his room he hadn’t decided on “Hey.”

“Hey? Damn sweetheart, be happy you’re a pretty face cause you fucking suck at seduction.” Negan laughed, head poking out from behind the shower curtain. His hair was slicked back and droplets of water made their way down his bread onto his throat and chest. 

“I’m not trying to seduce you. I’m about to get naked and have sex with you.” 

“Shit baby, keep talking dirty to me. Really gets my blood pulsing.” 

“You’re such an ass.” You replied, though you stripped down anyway. As much as you had been thinking about Negan since he propositioned you in the truck and since that night in the kitchen, in that moment you were simply happy to be out of your clothes. You smelled like smoke and you were sure if someone held a match too close you would go up in flames from the amount of gasoline that had gotten on your skin and clothes. 

“You alright?” Negan asked as you stepped into the shower. Pete, apparently, had been a plumber in his past life and he’d rigged everything in here to work again. You didn’t fully understand how any of that worked but a hot shower was a hot shower and you were mildly thankful for Pete the minute that hot water hit your shoulders. 

“I’m fine, just gross.” You pointed out, watching the water run down your body. You looked back up to Negan when you realized he hadn’t made any sort of move toward you, “why?”

“You were spacing out tonight sweetheart, that ain’t like you.” Negan shrugged. 

“Can we talk about our feelings…after?” The last thing you wanted was him thinking that you were weak and you just weren’t ready to talk about your mom yet. Or ever, preferably. 

“Whatever you say Prom Queen.”

“God, you people don’t stop.” You groaned, leaning forward and resting your forehead against his shoulder. He laughed, wrapping an arm around you and kissing the top of your head. Arguably the gentlest touch you would get from him for the rest of the night.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are heating up....

“You know, I hate this shift.” You mentioned, untucking your legs so they could hang over the edge of the landing. The staircase that sat against the Sanctuary and led up to the fifth floor made a good vantage point for watching the yard and it was exactly where Negan had placed you for the afternoon. Even with the unusual Virginia chill the sun was warm against your skin and you found yourself having to squint to keep an eye on the men down below who were working. 

“I’m not complaining, means you got the night off.” Simon replied. He was standing three steps down, leaning against the railing and watching the yard as if he had come up here to assist you and not to chitchat. 

“Oh well, I didn’t realize that automatically meant I was spending it with you.” You said, using your hand to block your eyes from the sun as you looked up at Simon. 

It’d been a dry three days since the last ‘mission’. You’d been interrupted midway through a transition from Negan’s shower to Negan’s bed by Fat Joey claiming he “needed the boss right away” and you’d gone back to your room alone. Satisfied by the best and the only shower sex you’d ever had but still alone. And when you’d woken up the next morning Negan was gone, along with Simon and three others. Gavin was in charge and you were oddly peeved that neither men had thought to mention their planned trip. 

“Oh come on sugar, I missed you. You didn’t miss me?” Simon asked, leaning closer and putting one foot up on the next step. 

“I’m sorry, did you go somewhere?” You couldn’t help sounding a bit like a petulant child as you asked. 

“I’m sorry I took off, let me make it up to you?” Simon requester, suddenly looking a whole lot more attractive to you than his superior. 

You could say whatever you wanted about ‘no strings attached’ and doing what, or who, you had to in order to survive but when you boiled it down you knew that you actually had some amount of feelings for both men. It was more than obvious every time Negan dropped a subtle mention of his new harem into conversation. He was at three now and, while you had gone back to your room alone three nights ago you were well aware that he got to go back to several other women who were willing to do whatever to survive. And Negan wasn’t the worst of the whatevers by a long shot. At least with Simon there was a semi-level playing field. He wasn’t collecting women to satisfy him and you thought maybe he had a similar inclination towards you as you had to him. 

“How?” You asked twisting your body to see him better. 

“This isn’t social hour!” Negan’s booming voice came from below, breaking you out of your focus. 

Simon stood up straight and looked down over the railing to where Negan was standing below, bat in hand as he walked the grounds with Pete and Arat. “Sorry Boss.” He apologised but you could tell by the slight tic in his jaw that he was annoyed. 

“Sorry!” You chimed in. 

“Remind me the next time we’re on a run to get you something that distracts these guys from the knowledge that you got a pussy. It seems to me no one fucking remembers my very specific instructions.” Negan continued. 

Simon picked up his gun and started down the stairs without another word, wanting to distance himself from Negan’s implications. You both knew that Negan was still trying to zero in on this mystery boyfriend he was convinced you had that Fat Joey had claimed to have glimpsed leaving your room. He’d ruled out Gavin, you were allowed to ‘chat it up’ with him anytime you wanted. And Jared was out of the question as well. Since the people you spent time with limited to Gavin, Simon, Jared, Arat, and Pots it was only a matter of time before Negan worked out that his second in command and his ‘pet’ were fucking behind his back. 

“Sorry Sir.” You reiterated. Simon was down the stairs by then, heading over to join Negan as if nothing was wrong. 

“Ya hear that?” Negan asked, clapping Simon’s shoulder as he came up. Your stomach felt immediately like it was being weighed down by hundreds of stones, all pulling and twisting in your gut. “Damn, do I like the sound of that. Sir. It’s got a nice fucking ring to it. Maybe we should change it up, what do you say Si?” 

Simon raised an eyebrow in question and clenched his jaw tighter. He didn’t chance a look up to you but, despite directing the vague question to him, Negan was looking at you the whole time and Simon knew exactly what he was asking. 

“Cause I gotta tell you nothing gets me harder than hearing all the filthy things that girl says,” his smile was as ostentatious as the Cheshire Cat as he looked up at you, “ain’t that right princess?” 

The lump in your throat threatened to strangle you as you replied, “yes.” 

“Yes what?” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Damn, that is fucking it, Prom Queen. If I was not the kind of man who led by example I would be throwing you over my shoulder like a rag doll and taking you somewhere a little more private. But then these fucking slackers would just have another reason to waste fucking time. But I will be thinking about you and how much I love that mouth.” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Damn. Be the fucking death a me.” 

Your skin felt like it was on fire and you couldn’t decide if you were more pissed off that he was having this conversation in the middle of the fucking afternoon at top volume (though who expected less than that) or if you were bothered that Simon was hearing it. Either way he looked two seconds from catching fire as Negan clapped his shoulder once more before walking off, Pete and Arat trailing behind. 

Aside from workers in the yard, who were trying their absolute hardest to pretend they weren’t listening to the entire conversation Negan had just had, Simon was the only person left. He was just standing there, looking straight ahead, jaw clenched. You were out of options other than openly staring at him, hoping he’d chance a look up. If you called to him or left your post Negan would know that it was Simon you had been fooling around with and you worried what repercussions that knowledge might have. Finally, without a word or a glance your way, Simon headed back inside and the bricks in your stomach felt even heavier. 

\- 

You finished the entirety of your shift without any other distractions. Not even Jared came to hassle you and he usually did around dinner time. But everything was quiet. Just you and the pit in your stomach for what felt like hours as you waited for relief. It came in the form of an abnormally quiet Jim. Usually he’d talk your ear off for a good thirty minutes during shift change but today he barely even looked at you and you knew why. Everyone who wasn’t in the yard had likely heard about the Negan fiasco by now. 

You waited anxiously through dinner hour, shaking your knee the entire time you ate, trying not to puke as you kept your head down. You wanted nothing more than to skip this fiasco but you knew that it would look suspicious if you weren’t at dinner. If you found Simon somewhere and pulled him aside and then it wouldn’t take long for Negan to put two and two together. You were where you weren’t supposed to be. But once dinner was over you headed straight for Simon’s room. You didn’t owe him an apology or an explanation. You weren’t dating or exclusive or whatever the hell term was appropriate for hooking up post-world. He had agreed to the same terms as you but you knew that this was different. If it had been anyone else, Jared or Jim or Richie or Norris, it wouldn’t matter. But it was Negan. And you knew, you could tell, the tension was there behind Simon’s eyes every time you teased him about his boss. Negan had power over everything and everyone, his reach was immeasurable and maybe Simon didn’t like you as much as he liked extracting just that tiniest bit of power but you’d fucked him over by sleeping with Negan. 

“Si?” You knocked on his door, careful to check the hallway for prying eyes. Particularly Fat Joey’s. 

The door cracked open and then he was yanking it all the way so he could stand in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest and looking down at you as if he was casting some silent judgement. 

“Please let me in, I can explain.” You promised though in all honesty this was turning into more of a soap-opera than you cared for. 

“I can’t tell you how much I am looking forward to the shit you have to spew.” Simon replied, arms dropping as he stepped aside and let you in. He knew as well as you that lingering in the hallway was dangerous. 

His room was a mirror of yours, bed against one wall, table and chairs in the corner. He had the added bonus of a window and an easy chair, the perks of being Negan’s second in command. You usually bee-lined it for the easy chair, a bizarre comfort in the post-world, but this felt more like a conversation to be had standing up. With the door shut and locked Simon was back in the room, pouring himself a glass of whiskey from the bottle he’d found on the last run. 

“Haven’t found any tequila out there in ages but beggars can’t be choosers so they say.” He stated, kicking back a glass and pouring another. 

“Si-“ 

“Oh hold on, let me get comfortable, I’ve been looking forward to hearing this bullshit all day.” 

“Don’t give me that crap! You said no strings.” You snapped, “you can’t lay down new rules over the rules you already set out.” 

“I’m not setting out new rules.” 

“You never said this was exclusive.” You pointed out. 

“And it isn’t.” 

“So why are you pissed?” 

“Hey, I’m the last one to cast judgement but...you’ve got to be fucking joking?” 

“What?” 

“Negan?” Simon asked, incredulous. 

“You said no strings. I can’t help it if your ego is a little bruised.” 

“My ego is not bruised ‘sweetheart’,” Simon stood from the chair and moved closer, getting in your space the way he did when was intimidating someone. “I don’t give two shits who out there you fuck but you’re joking right? Thought you had more self-respect than running to Negan. You wanna be his wife too? Sit up there in his room all day, nice and pretty-” 

“That’s not fair!” You snapped, pushing him away. “It was one time.” 

“Only one? Damn I guess his bark is worse than his bite.” Simon laughed. 

“It’s not like this has been going on for a while, it just happened.” You replied, “besides, I don’t need to justify myself to you. We’re not anything.” 

“Alright,” Simon nodded, schooling his expression back to one of indifference. “So?” 

“So?” 

“What’s the verdict than? You told me before you couldn’t compare us...what about now?” 

Oh. Oh shit. “I think I need a refresher...I mean you have been gone for three days.” 

Negan had been gone too but whether he was playing it cool or he honestly didn’t give a shit about you (a stark contrast from what everyone always seemed to say) you hadn’t seen him up close since he got back. Simon had stopped by the night they got returned, too tired to do anything but drink and sleep. Then he’d come to find you on watch and now here you were in his room. Whether Negan gave a shit or not it was Simon who wasn’t playing it cool for the sake of coming off like the alpha. 

And honestly, there was that small part of you that was truly awful at ‘no strings attached’ that appreciated his boldness. Maybe you were both just convenient for the time being but it was nice to feel wanted; not just wanted when no one else was around. 

\- 

“Do you know what I hate about runs?” Norris asked, trekking through a rather suburban looking area with you, Primo, and Pots. 

“No but I can tell you what I hate.” Primo replied, looking back at him. 

As days and weeks had turned into months you were slowly getting your bearings on the people who made up Negan’s ‘highest order’ in the Sanctuary. Aside from you and Arat and an older woman named Regina who seemed to be finding a niche with everyone, the so-called Saviors were all men. Not surprising, even in the post-world there was a boys club. Regina and Arat were climbing the ranks by being tougher than their male counterparts and you were already up near the top. It wasn’t said out loud but whenever Negan sent out groups like this you took primary. 

You had proven yourself more than just a pretty face and, while there were still guys like Pete who thought you were nothing but a push over, there were a select few who knew you were capable of keeping up with Simon or Gavin. Guys like Norris, Pots, Primo, and Jared. Non-coital post-world acquaintances. 

“Is it Norris?” You asked, trailing behind the group with Pots. Arguably your favorite person in the Sanctuary beside Gavin, Pots had become a bit of an older brother in your eyes. 

“That’s insane,” Norris replied, “I’ve been told i’m great company.” 

“Are all the people who told you that dead?” Primo asked, looking back over his shoulder at you to roll his eyes. 

The run was nothing exceedingly complicated. Primo had scouted a place not too long ago that he was at least 95% certain had guns and ammunition and a decent amount of other supplies. Negan had been skeptical of sending more than two people out there and was planning on it being Gavin and Simon, as you had heard from general gossip, when Simon came in early this morning and gave the okay. He told Primo to grab three guys and go out and since you were already in the kitchen with Primo when Simon came in, you got to be included in the ‘three guys’ team. 

You got put behind the wheel, deemed the fastest driver out of the group, and Primo gave you directions until finally he announced that you should pull over and “walk from here”. 

“What do you think they’re doing back at the factory?” You asked, eyes scanning the woods as you walked. 

“The same thing we do every day for hours on end. Clean out and keep watch.” Primo remarked. 

It wasn’t exactly what you were asking. You knew that’s what ‘everyone’ was doing. What you truly wanted to know was what Negan was doing. Did he know the four of you were gone? You had a feeling Simon had not okayed this trip with him like he claimed. 

Either way, by the end of it, you couldn’t imagine Negan being too upset. Primo had been right, there was an arsenal at the cabin he’d found in the woods. There was a now-dead man keeping house there too but the arsenal Primo had bragged about was exactly where it was supposed to be. You’d been deemed lookout by Pots as they went inside the cabin and it had been you that had seen the man coming back, deer on his shoulders. 

“We got trouble!” You had called through the screen door, shifting from one foot to the other, hoping the man wouldn’t see you. There wasn’t much covering. 

“Take care of it.” Had been Primo’s reply and so you did. Not taking care of it meant you were exactly what everyone thought you were, a consolation prize for Negan, just a piece of ass he kept around for when he got bored. 

And you weren’t that. If you could take down Jerry and a few dozen walkers and elbow Pete in the nose then you could do this. You shot him, your aim still not as precise as others, the bullet hitting his thigh. When he went down you ran out to him. Deer would make for a decent meal, Gavin even knew how to cook. 

“You’re supposed to be watching!” Pots called when he spotted you sprint off the porch. 

“I am!” 

Your missed shot hadn’t killed the man you were intruding on and now, as Norris carried the deer at the front of the group, you walked at the back again with Pots, shirt covered in blood. There was some in your hair and a handprint of it on your jeans where the man had grabbed you when you got close enough. Pots kept looking at you like you were going to lose it any second. 

After you’d killed Jerry you had sat in the corner of the upstairs room and sobbed for what felt like eternity before taking his gun and leaving. You’d gotten the first kill out of your system, as Jared had said. Once the first kill was over it got easier. You suspected his first kill was some sort of animal in his youth but you didn’t say anything to the affect when he mentioned it to you. Now as you walked back to the truck with Pots keeping an eagle eye on you, you almost felt bad not having some kind of breakdown. 

“I’m fine.” You mentioned to him when you caught him staring again. 

“Just making sure.” 

“I did what I had to.” You replied, eyes unfocused as you stared ahead. 

\- 

When you pulled the truck into the Sanctuary Negan was waiting, Lucille in hand. Gavin and Simon flanked him on either side. It suddenly didn’t matter that you were all returned mostly unscathed, with supplies. All that mattered was that Negan had told Primo specifically not to go and he had. 

You were in the back of the truck with Pots and the dead deer when you came to a stop in front of the three men. Primo was first out of the car, followed by Norris and then Pots. 

“Hey Prom Queen,” Negan hollered, pointing the bat at you, still standing in the bed of the truck, “get your ass down here. You don’t want me to fucking come up there and get you.” 

Coming around the side of the truck gave Negan a better view of the insinuated carnage that you alone had endured out there. No one else was so much as cut but there you were looking like Carrie. You saw Simon’s jaw tighten, the little tic going off as he exhaled through his nose. Arms crossed over his chest and eyes hard as he stared at the other three in line. Negan, in contrast, was looking right at you. He looked pissed too, miles more than Simon did. He looked two seconds from bringing his bat down on someone’s head. 

“What the fuck happened to you?” 

“Just a guy in the woods.” 

Negan stepped closer to you, inspecting the condition you were in, “go wait for me inside.” 

“But-“ 

“Go the fuck inside.” 

“Yes sir.” You moved passed him, casting one last look to Simon, who still wasn’t looking at you, before heading inside. 

You weren’t sure exactly where Negan expected you to wait for him or how long he was planning on taking outside so you headed for your room, figuring you could at least change. It wouldn’t be too hard to find you in your own room and hopefully whatever anger he had was expended by the time he came inside. A calmer, more rational Negan you figured you could reason with but not the one who met you at the gate. Not the one who was pissed because of four of his people did something he told them not to do. 

Once changed you paced, standing in the center of the room, walking back and forth, sitting then standing then sitting. You couldn’t stay still. You felt itchy all over and the back of your neck had goosebumps as you listened for the familiar sound of his boots. 

You scratched at your wrist and forearm, was that blood. You weren’t sure. Was it blood or was your arm just red from scrubbing it clean? 

“What the fuck were you thinking?” Negan shouted, slamming the door shut behind him and making you jump out of your skin from the sudden noise. “Those assholes I get, but you...fucking going out there like that?” 

“I’m fine. I’ve been out with them before.” You reasoned. “Pots knows what he’s doing.” 

“I’m sure he didn’t fucking appreciate having to babysit your ass. You go out there again without permission and I’ll see to it that you don’t fucking do anything unless I say you can. You think you’re so tough prom queen? You ask your pal Jared how we test survival cause I been treating you with kid gloves out of common courtesy-” 

“I don’t need to be babied!” 

Before your could react Negan grabbed your neck, fingers digging into your skin as he lifted you off the floor. “Watch your fucking mouth. You do not talk back to me, do you understand.” 

You choked, gasping for a breath as you tried to respond. He squeezed even tighter before letting you go, dropping you and causing you to stumble as you tried to catch your breath and your balance at the same time. 

“Get the fuck out of my sight.” He ordered, “Oh, and if Fat Joey sees you leaving Simon’s room again I will make sure he doesn’t have a dick for you to suck, understand.” 

“Yes sir.” You nodded, voice hoarse. It was the first time that you’d been on the receiving end of his anger. 

“Good. Now fuck off.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader has had enough and strikes out on her own.

Despite its newness, even as the months had worn on, no one had ever tried to leave the Sanctuary. It wasn’t home in the traditional sense, or in any sense that someone might want to use the word but beyond the fence there was nothing to build a home out of and you’d just accepted that this was life now. But when you walked into your room that night, still in a haze from the man you murdered, and you caught your reflection in the mirror you were almost spooked. For a minute you stood staring back at the stranger that you hadn’t taken the time to look at in weeks, the red mark on your neck an overwhelming reminder that this was not the Negan who lived next door and this was not the life that you thought you would be living. 

When Negan told you to ‘get the fuck out of his sight’ he no doubt meant to go back to your room. But you weren’t a kid anymore, even if you had been before. Even if you had been months ago when Negan and Simon found you in the middle of the road ready to die. You weren’t ready to die and you weren’t a kid and no one, not Simon, not Negan, not Jared, would dictate how you felt or who you were. 

So you left. 

The first person in the short history of the Sanctuary to leave without the permission of Negan. You slipped passed Pete, watching the fence for anything that might want to do the people inside harm, and made your way into the night. The woods weren’t the same as you remembered them being in the daylight but you walked the trail you thought Pots had led you on earlier in the day. You kept a firm grip on your knife and wondered if walkers could hear heartbeats because yours was hammering to escape your chest. 

For the first few miles you thought about Negan. How long would it take him to realize that you were gone? What would he do when he found out? Would he look for you? And if he did what would looking for you mean? That you were now a prisoner, forced to endure whatever rest of survival and loyalty he had boasted about in his room when he threatened you. Or would he be sympathetic, too relieved to have found you that he didn’t care about consequences. Eventually the ache of your feet as they crunched through gravel, heavy with insomnia and fear, drew your attention away from Negan. He suddenly became a lesser character in your story the further away you travelled and the thoughts that you had of stopping, of letting him find you and writing this off as some childish need to rebel, disappeared. They were replaced with the determination that came from the absolute will to survive above anything else. You had to, there was no other choice. This couldn’t be a failed experiment. 

You cut off the path that you were following, sinking deeper into the woods. When you were younger you had read The Crucible and imagined yourself as one of the young girls, glowing in white against the dark night, dancing around a bonfire in the deepest parts of the forest, summoning the devil to solve all your problems for you. In this version of your Crucible you were not driving further into the forest to find the devil but to run from him. 

Another step, a snapped twig, and you heard the click of a gun. Was the escape foiled? 

“I’m not a walker.” You said, raising your arms and lacing your hands behind your head. “Don’t shoot.”

“Who are you?” An unfamiliar voice asked, a slight quiver in him. He wasn’t one of Negan’s men. They would’ve known you, even in this dark. 

Suddenly a flashlight hit your eyes and you stumbled back, “holy shit. Fuck. Turn that shit off man!”

He gulped and the light flickered as if he had truly contemplated following your order. “Who are you?”

“Please, I was with a group, I’m afraid they’ll find me…” you pleaded, dissolving into the character you knew would win anyone’s trust. The kid, the damsel, the girl in over her head…lost and alone. Before there might’ve been a piece of you that clung a little too hard to that persona, believed a little too much in the lie, but it was you who had killed a man just hours earlier and the girl lost in the woods routine felt like acid on your mouth. 

The flashlight lowered enough that you could make out the man behind it. Slim, average height, blond hair. He looked like someone had just ripped him out of his trailer and told him to ‘hold this gun, the dead are walking’. “Come with me.” 

When he turned you rolled your eyes before correcting him, “I should go in front.” 

“You don’t know where you’re going.” 

“I should go in front…so I don’t shoot you in the back.” You clarified, watching the look of realisation wash over him. 

“Yeah, right, go ‘head now.” He waved the flashlight and you stepped in front of him. 

“I don’t suppose you have a name?” You asked, glancing at him in the dark. The flashlight shifted its gaze as he walked behind you. 

“Name’s Dwight.” He replied. “You gonna tell me anything about you?”

“Whatever you wanna know.” You promised. Gaining trust was easier if he thought you were being transparent with him. Something about this Dwight suggested he’d never suspected anyone of not being transparent either. 

You told him the basics. That your mom was dead, that you were alone, that you’d been with a bad group that hurt you. The mark on your neck aided in that story. You told him your name, first and last even if it didn’t matter that he knew both. Dwight seemed unbelievably naive about the severity of the situation he had found himself in, alive at the end of the world, but you did your best to give him the kindergarten version of events. And of that only the ones that suited you. 

You left out that you had wanted Negan to touch you the first time that he did. You left out the way it felt to let Simon have any piece of you at all or how you craved the look he gave you, like you were some great wonder. You didn’t tell him that you had killed a man or that you felt a little too comfortable with yourself after it was over. 

“You’ve been through hell.” He finally said, as you neared the outline of a camp. 

Hell wasn’t quite the word you would’ve used. Not when you so eagerly joined in. “I guess so.” But you agreed for Dwight’s sake, “things are looking up though.”

“Come on, I’ll take you to meet my wife, she can get you cleaned up.” He pointed you in the direction of a tent that looked hardly big enough as you entered the campground. 

A handful of people sat around, the glow of the fire so soft you thought you were imagining the embers. All their eyes shifted toward you as you stepped into their space. Dwight kept you walking forward until you were stopped at the tent and two women not so much older than yourself. 

“This is my wife, Sherry, and her sister Tina.” He introduced them and they nodded, hesitant. Not so willing to trust. He introduced you in return and you offered your hand to them, finally releasing the hilt of your knife and with it, the tension that had been eating away at your bones. 

Tina leaned off her stool to take your hand, more willing than her sister to give you a chance. “Are you hungry?” 

“I’m okay.” You replied, pushing away the feeling of emptiness in the pit of your stomach. As Dwight offered you a stool, your feet screaming with relief as you eased off them, thoughts of Negan returned. 

You had no way of knowing how far you had walked or how long you had been gone, though it felt like a decade between the Sanctuary and here. You laid your gun on the ground beside you, the weight of it lifting off like a chain around your neck. 

“Are you a good shot?” Tina asked, her eyes following the ak to the grass. 

“Better than I used to be,” you admitted, “I hate it but, I need it.” No hint of a put-on, you looked to the short haired blonde and found her smiling at you. A little sad but mostly reassuring. 

You couldn’t remember the last time that someone had looked at you with wanting something from you. Even Jared, who was disinterested in the kinds of things that Negan and Simon wanted from you, still wanted something. But none of them had looked at you that way. Not Dwight, even as he stumbled across you in the woods, alone, and not Sherry as she watched him lead you into the camp. And not Tina, who only looked at you like she wanted to help. 

It was a look you hadn’t seen in a while. Since long before the end of the world.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The new camp is growing on you.

The room was the first thing to go. Meticulously picked through by Simon, careful to return each article of clothing and random trinket to its place. You’d left everything behind. Water bottles sat on the table, an empty backpack on the chair, there was a picture of your mother that you’d smuggled along and even that had been abandoned. It was as if you had simply disappeared from existence, like a figment of their imaginations. Simon was careful so that Negan didn’t suspect him of anything, especially of caring about you. 

Negan, unsurprisingly, was the next person to go through your room. He didn’t bother with the care and decorum that Simon had shown. As far as he was concerned he didn’t care who knew he was concerned. You had vanished from the sanctuary, just evaporated into thin air overnight and he’d be damned if he let anyone get away with that. You had been Negan’s pet, a favorite among his growing flock, and he was furious that you would even let the thought of leaving cross your mind, let alone that you had acted on it. The chairs were turned over, bed stripped, belongings destroyed. He tore your picture into pieces but ignored the way Gavin picked up the shredded remains and tucked them away in his pocket. Simon stood in the doorway of your room watching his boss smash through the table with Lucille. 

“Find her. Or that is going to be SOMEONE’S HEAD!” He screamed, bar going down on the wood once more and splintering the broken table. Gavin stops wide eyed behind Negan and Simon tried not to look at him, don’t make eye contact and you’ll be fine. 

“Sure thing boss.” Simon began to back up but Negan stopped him. 

“Not you.” He said, holding Lucille out, level with Simon’s head. He swung the bat around to point at Gavin. “You go, unless you were fucking her too.”

“No sir.” Gavin stepped over broken furniture, Lucille following him until he was safely out of the room. 

“Since you’re so eager to do something Simon,” Negan announced, the sound of a chair splitting under the weight of his boot drawing Simon’s attention to the debris in your room, “you can torch these things.” 

“What if she comes back?” He couldn’t help chancing the question, not just because he was worried about you out in the woods alone but because he was worried about what would happen when you returned. 

“She better fucking hope that she doesn’t.” 

-

You bit your lip, trying to stop yourself from smiling, an action you couldn’t remember doing involuntarily in a long time. You were standing up to your ankles in the river that ran along the back of Dwight’s camp, eyes fixed on him as he tried to fish with the net they had on hand. 

“D’s a lot of things but he’s not a fisherman.” Sherry laughed, watching her husband. She was standing on the bank, her hiking boots sinking a little in the mud as she watched the two of you. Fishing in the woods was never something you had done before the world changed but you felt oddly normal standing there with Dwight and Sherry, more so than you ever had with Negan. 

“I can see that.” You replied, stepping onto a rock that was jutting out. “We’ll be lucky if we catch the minnows eating at the bank.” 

“I’ve got this under control, if you two would stop yammering on.” 

“Sorry, sorry.” You laughed, shaking your head at him. “You’re doing a great job D!”

It had been two days since Dwight found you in the woods and everyone had been warming up to you quicker than you expected. That first night had felt a lot like playing a role, you were just putting on the face of that girl you had been in high school that got on with everyone but as one night turned into a couple of days you started to feel less like a character. You weren’t the damsel in distress or the enticing young woman that Simon and Negan both found attractive. You weren’t the girl who killed an innocent man in the woods. You were just yourself and it had been so long since you had last been yourself that you hadn’t expected to be so comfortable with yourself but you were. 

“I got one!” Dwight called, holding up the net to display a moderately sized fish thrashing around. 

“In the cooler,” Sherry knocked the bucket cooler with her foot to indicate it to her husband, watching the fish with a grimace. She’d been vegetarian before this but there weren’t too many options for her in this world and fish was the best they could do on some nights. 

“Here, I’ll give it a go,” you offered, stepping over to Dwight once he’d dropped the fish in the bucket. 

Tina came through the trees, walking down to the bank to stand next to her sister, “what are you guys doing?” She looked at the bucket and back to you, a teasing smile on her face.

“Fishing.” Dwight replied.

“Trying to fish,” you clarified. “Not going well. You don’t have any hidden fishing talents we should know about?” 

“Unfortunately, no.” 

There were moments over the last two days that you wondered what was happening at the factory. You’d thought about turning around when you were on the road but you never had, you’d pushed on until you got here and now that you were you knew you could never go back. Not something that bothered you but you couldn’t get Negan’s face from that night out of your mind. The way he’d looked at you, less like you were a person and more like you were an object, you wondered what he would do if he knew something of his was gone. 

Would he find you just to kill you? 

“Okay, lets see this fishing,” Tina said, walking through the water to stand at your side, careful steps so she wouldn’t upset the fish. 

“I think it’s just keeping the net in and hoping they swim in?” You asked, looking over her toward Dwight.

“I saw something once, that fish like hardboiled eggs.”

“Right, T, let me just grab some from the fridge I don’t have.” Dwight sassed, rolling his eyes at his sister-in-law. “We’ll leave you the bucket, we’re going head up to camp.”

“Okay.” Tina watched them leave before turning to look back at you, “they’ve been having a hard time lately.”

“Because of the-”

“Yeah…and, Sherry and D were trying for kids before all this but she miscarried. They were gonna see a doctor about treatments but then this happened and…who wants to have a baby in this?” Tina confessed, eyes scanning the woods on the other side of the river in case something was there. “I know I shouldn’t be so childish but those things scare me.”

“I think they scare everyone, some people just show it differently.” You replied, “but hey, don’t worry. We’re here.”

“Yeah,” she nodded, smiling over at you, “I’m glad D found you.”

“Me too.” You admitted. Tina was right, it was scary out there. Though you were sure that you would rather face an army of those walkers than ever see Negan again. 

-

Simon stood in the yard, watching the walkers on the other side of the fence as he sprayed the pile of furniture and clothing with gasoline. He dropped a match on it, watching the flames catch and the walkers collide with the fence with greater excitement. They were attracted to the glow, maybe the heat, he wasn’t entirely sure. 

“Those fucking things…wish I could blow a bullet through every one of their heads.” Pots announced, walking up to Simon, his own eyes on the flames.

“Then you’d be outta bullets.”

“Don’t I know it.” He took a look out passed the fence and frowned, “any word from Gavin?”

“No.” 

“Hope it stays that way.” Pots mused and Simon nodded his head, watching the fire. He’d do whatever Negan told him to do when it came down to it, burning all your things was a clear sign of that, but he was having trouble reasoning with himself that finding you and bringing you back here would be a good idea. He was hoping, in all honesty, that Gavin and Jared didn’t find you or if they did, that they were stronger men than him.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing good lasts forever.

You sat outside the tent with Tina, watching her repair a few articles of clothing from different people in the camp. She’d gotten up early and gathered whatever needed to be mended, taking the role of camp seamstress for the morning. You’d never learned to sew and your mother definitely wasn’t much for domesticity in her lifetime. It felt eons away when you thought about it, like decades had passed between you and that house when in actuality it was merely months, almost a year if you were keeping time right. Who would even know if you weren’t? There was no accuracy for time in this place. Only fragments of who you were and who you were becoming.

“Are you liking it?” Tina asked, breaking your bubble and drawing your attention away from your own mind. 

“Liking?” This place? The people? Maybe. You didn’t have a nice, semi-furnished room but you also didn’t have Negan and that was nice. Waking up every morning feeling safe was a nice change, it’d been a long time since you felt that way. But being here came with the anxiety of never knowing when safety would end. Had he forgotten about you? Would he let someone leave and forget them or was he out looking? And what would he do when he found you?

“Being here. I know you said your first group was a bad one.” Tina replied, an effervescent smile that seemed too naïve for the world was present when you looked at her. Perfectly content in the woods, sewing holes into oblivion as you grew scared of your own shadow. 

“It was.” You spared them the details of Negan’s sanctuary but you also spared them the knowledge of your complacent nature in everything that had happened up until you ran away. “I guess I like it, it’s just different.” 

Being out in the woods like this felt like exposing yourself to the world. They had secured a perimeter with wire and hubcaps and anything that made noise when something rattled it but that didn’t change the fact that you were in a clearing in the woods and the undead weren’t the only things lurking. You had watched at least two groups be absolved into yours. Well-meaning, alone in the woods, types like this who believed that nothing laid beyond the camp but walkers. It was stupid and you knew you should’ve sounded some kind of alarm but you didn’t. Complacent still. 

“You can’t survive this place without community.” Tina said. It reminded you too much of being a little kid, thinking that all people are inherently good people and kindness is the great solvent of evil deeds. 

“I’ll be back, I’ve gotta go pee.” You stood abruptly, walking passed her and further out into the woods, ducking beneath the perimeter so that you were far enough away that no one could hear or see you. 

The bank of the river was a bit of a drop off but you braved it, just for the sake of wetting your face and hair for a moment. You held the tree trunk that hung over the ledge and stepped down off the roots, your shoes crunching in the soft sand beneath them, water still in the early morning. One of the women in camp used to be a farmer and swore it was going to rain today. You could only hope, the creek was looking low and rain water would be safer than creek water, even after boiling. 

A twig snapped in the distance but you didn’t bother looking, assuming it was either an animal, a walker, or Dwight, come to find you and walk you back to camp with a stern “you can’t wander off”. You shed your sweatshirt, hanging it over a tree branch, T-shirt following. The marks around your neck were almost completely gone and any other wounds you had from work or being out on a run were healing for the first time. You ran water over your arms and splashed some on your face and hair, trying to calm yourself and pay attention to your surrounds. Another snap and you stood again, hand on your knife as you surveyed the area. It could’ve been a rabbit but you felt your heart beating, fear settling in at the feeling of being stalked. Watched like you were some animal being hunted. A rustle of leaves and you pulled your knife out, climbing back up the ledge and coming around the tree. 

“Whoa!” 

You froze, face to face with Gavin. He was wide eyed, the surprise of actually finding you, alive and seemingly uninjured, was a shock he hadn’t prepared for. He expected to find nothing, maybe a corpse, possibly a walker, but not you. Not like this. 

“Gavin,” you sucked in a breath, still holding the knife though your hand had begun to shake. 

“Hey, it’s okay, it’s alright.” He raised his hands in surrender, leaving his gun holstered, and moved a little closer to you. “Everything’s okay.” 

“No,” You shook your head, you hadn’t come this far to be dragged back had you? “Back up.” 

“Come on kid, I’m not trying to hurt you.” Gavin promised, taking another step closer, leaves crunching under his boots.

You’d killed a man in cold blood and yet here you were, hands trembling as you met Gavin’s eyes, trying to breath steadily. No one mattered in this life. You had sworn to yourself, as you walked away from the sanctuary, that you would do everything in your power to stay out here and to stay alive. But now Gavin was right here standing across from you and you were frozen. 

He worked for Negan. He would tell Negan where you were. He was the enemy. But he was also Gavin. Gavin who had calmed you down on more than one occasion when you were freaked out about everything going on in the world. Gavin who taught you how to fight and shoot. You couldn’t kill the only person who had ever helped you without wanting anything in return.

“Get away, Gavin. Get away from me.” You shook your head, backing away from him when he stepped closer, hand out to take your knife. Your ankle caught an upended root and you tripped, landing back on your ass in the dirt, knife falling from your hands as you choked out a sob. This was it, the moment you had known would come, the one that had haunted you every day since you joined your camp in the woods.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Gavin urged kicking the knife away and kneeling down in front of you. “I won’t do anything if you don’t want, you can stay here.” 

“I can’t go back.” You didn’t know what sort of punishment laid in wait for you but if the ominous things that Jared had always said were true, and if what you had witnessed was any indication, you would have rather died. 

“It’s okay,” he repeated himself, coming closer still.

In the moment when it mattered most you were reduced to the crying prom queen they always teased you for being. Scared and not as hardened by the world as you believed yourself to be. Gavin put a hand on your knee. 

“It’s just me.” 

A twig snapped in the distance, away from the direction of camp and your eyes widened again as you looked at Gavin. You’d watched him lie countless times to others. Whole groups he had eased into feeling unafraid only to slaughter them in the end. He leaned closer, as if he was going to draw you into his arms and you put your foot up, grabbing his gun from its holster and kicking him in the chest at the same time, sending him back on the ground. You turned just as the other set of footsteps became clear and fired, shooting Norris right between the eyes as he came into view. You were quick on your feet, gun directed at Gavin but eyes scanning for any other threat.

“Are there others?”

“Kid-”

“Are there others?!” You shouted, “answer me!”

“Pete’s out there too.” He admitted, eyes shifting to the left of him and you looked up, catching sight of Pete ducking behind a tree. 

“Come out or I’ll blow Gavin’s fucking head off!” You called, gun trained on Gavin. He sat on the ground, kneeling with his hands up in surrender, eyes trained on you as if he was waiting for you to make the next move. And you supposed that it was exactly it. The adrenaline running through your body felt like someone had lit firecrackers at your feet and as Pete stepped out from behind the tree, raising his hands to show you that he didn’t have a weapon, you fired. The gun went off, the clip catching and slicing your hand as you dropped it, the angle causing the bullet to hit Pete in the neck and he screamed as it tore through him before he was dead. A corpse on the ground. You pressed your hand to your shirt, trying to stop the bleeding as you grabbed for the gun, Gavin trying to tackle you onto the ground and get the upper hand.

“No!” You shouted, trying to kick at him again but he held you down, knees on either side of your thighs and hand on your stomach, pressing against your ribs. You felt like they were going to break under the pressure of his hand as he held the gun to your head. 

“Don’t fucking move.” He threatened, the kindness that he always reserved for you gone. He trained the gun on Pete as he reanimated, firing a shot between his eyes. You thrashed under him and Gavin moved his hand from your stomach to your face, pressing his fingers into your cheeks and slamming your head against the ground. “I said don’t move!”

You tried the scream, the sound coming out more guttural as you got a hand free and yanked on his hair, ripping some out and scratching his face. He let go of your face to grab your wrist and you threw your upper body forward, tackling him to the ground and getting to your feet, running away from him before he could grab you again. He fired a shot, missing you and hitting the ground beneath your feet instead as you ran, following the path of the creek and trying not to lead Gavin toward the campground. Self-interest didn’t only say you had to get as far away as possible, it said you had to keep him away from the only piece of normality that you had found in the new world. 

“It won’t just be me next time!” Gavin screamed after you, “It won’t just be me!”

You ducked behind a tree, pressing your back to the trunk and breathing heavily, hands shaking as you tried to calm yourself down. Could you go back to the camp after this? Would they come looking for you if you just disappeared? Negan had, though it wasn’t in interest of your safety. It was simply because you were his property and you had the audacity to run. Did you really think you could stay alive without him?


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Room pt. 1

You woke suddenly, sweat drenched and breathing heavy, the nightmare that had gripped you gone from your mind, leaving behind just a memory of terror as you pressed your hand against your heart. Your skin prickled with goosebumps as the sweat dried on your chest and arms. You had run from Gavin until your feet gave out and you sat now, positive one of your ankles was sprained, with nothing covering your upper body but an old sports bra. You imagined your shirt and sweatshirt might still be hanging over the tree limb that you’d left them on. You had no weapon. 

“Fuck.” You breathed out, looking around skeptically. You had no idea how far away you were from camp but you knew that you couldn’t go back. Gavin was smart, there was no doubt he had seen those people already. He could’ve been watching you for days. That camp was gone and you knew it. 

You pushed yourself to your feet anyway, biting down on your lower lip to hold in a groan as you put pressure on your ankle. You wanted to drop to the ground again, wrap yourself in the shelter of long forgotten times and let yourself grow into the earth. But you had come this far. You had lived this long. Hand pressed into the bark of the tree so hard that your skin broke in a few places, bleeding into the sap, you pushed off. As you forced yourself to endure the pain of your ankle you walked the distance back, looking for signs in the forest that you were going back towards camp. Even if it didn’t exist anymore, you could use it as a starting point. 

Wherever you were you knew that you should’ve kept walking in the opposite direction. The camp was closer to Sanctuary then wherever you were when you woke up but it couldn’t be too close. You didn’t know how many days or weeks you had been away before Gavin had found you, there was no way to track the time, but you needed familiarity. You needed something that you knew. You had been wandering, it felt like, for too long, and trying to grasp something real. 

“Fuck.” you muttered again, feet crunching over ashen branches. You paused for a moment, taking a breath as you got your bearings, allowing yourself to take a look around. “No…no, no, fuck.” You cursed, stumbling and catching yourself on a nearby tree, the burned trunk staining your hand with black ash as you stood in the burned carnage of the forest you had been camped in. 

The tents were burnt, the lingering smell of plastic reaching you as you stepped through the desolate camp. You wanted cry but you were incapable of the emotion. There was nothing in you but absolute emptiness. You stepped over a sleeping bag melted into the ground, your attention diverted. It was because of that you missed the person behind you until it was too late.

Arms wrapped around you, lifting you off the ground and you screamed, thrashing your body and trying to struggle against the hold. 

“Stop!” Simon’s voice cut across your scream as he forced you down, pressing you against the muddy ashen ground. You tried to scream again as Simon covered your mouth with his hand. “Shut up!”

“Get off me.” You groaned through gritted teeth, shifting back and forth on the ground, “Simon, get off!”

“Stay down.” He ordered, pushing his knee into your back before he stood up. The moment the weight was lifted you tried to pull yourself to your knees, Simon’s booted foot slamming against your back, “Stay down!” He repeated, knocking the breath out of you. 

You closed your eyes, squeezing until your felt like you were going to give yourself a migraine, trying not to make a sound. You were not the girl they found in the middle of the road. You were not the girl whose mother was murdered. She was a distant memory. She was nothing. 

Simon bound your wrists with rope and then pulled you up by them, your legs floundering to find footing before your arms got dislocated from the force. You wanted to scream at him. You wanted to run. But something about the way he looked at you told you there was nowhere to run to. 

“Negan was right, you came back for them.” 

“Why are you doing this?” Your voice cracked as you spoke, betraying the confidence you were trying to exude. You knew the answer to the question. You were fun when you were complacent but that was ages ago now. Another layer of you that had been shed when you ran away. Simon liked you when you were warming his dick but he was loyal to Negan, just like everyone else.

“You know why,” he replied. It was the last thing he said to you as he pushed you forward, unbothered by your ankle as you limped through the burned out camp toward the road. His jeep sat on the side of the road, far enough away from camp that you would’ve never seen in. Once you did though, you stopped trying to fight his hold. 

You weren’t the girl who killed two men to secure her freedom either. You were just this thing, this nothing, an empty body being manipulated by some greater design. Just a shell of a person, surviving for no reason other than you were stuck on some function of autopilot and you would keep going that way until someone killed you. Simon maybe, or Negan. 

But would he burn down a camp just to kill you?

Simon opened the door to the jeep and shoved you in, smacking the backs of your thighs when your tripped up and landed on the seat, face against the faux leather. 

“Untie me, please.” 

He only hoisted you into the car the rest of the way and grabbed your hair, pulling you into a sitting position. If he was just as angry as Negan there was a long road ahead. Although, it stood to reason that he wasn’t even close to the level of anger Negan would have at your abandonment. Hadn’t they found you? Hadn’t they taken you in? Negan didn’t let Pete touch you when he tried to, he treated you decently, better than some of the others. He provided protection and food and all he asked was loyalty. You could give the speech in your head. It was as familiar as he was. 

The silence of the walk enveloped the car ride back to the sanctuary too. Simon said nothing to you as he pulled through the gates. Gavin was waiting there, stoic, the way he waited to fight. You tried to mirror his expression, slowing your breathing down so you could trick yourself into believing that you weren’t afraid. The place you had been running from was right in front of you. 

You finally let yourself look for Negan, eyes scanning the yard to see if he was out there and thanking god that he wasn’t. You could handle being brought home so long as you weren’t brought to him. Simon pulled you from the jeep and led you through hallways until he got to an old storage one. Gavin walked behind the two of you and when Simon finally stopped in front of a door, he fixed his gun on you. 

“Run and he shoots you.” Simon said, untying your hands. “Take off your pants and your boots.”

“What? Why?” You turned to face Simon and he grabbed your upper arm, grip tight on you.

“Don’t ask questions. Strip.” 

You did as you were told, untying your boots and toeing them off before stepping out of your jeans. The draft in the hallway was already cold with your lack of shirt and it chilled your thighs the moment that it you. Gavin said nothing as Simon opened the door to what looked like the smallest of supply closets. You thought you remembered clearing it out with Jared once upon a time.

“Simon-”

“Don’t talk.” He ordered. “You’ll stay in here until you learned your lesson, no one leaves the sanctuary.” He shoved you inside, slamming the door and you listened as the lock clicked. 

Alone in the dark was not how you imagined being welcomed back to the sanctuary though you certainly didn’t imagine being welcomed at all. Maybe a firing squad, maybe Negan going to town on your skull, Lucille marring your flesh until you were unrecognizable. But not a room, or a closet. It was so small you couldn’t even lay flat. You took to sitting, cross-legged with your back against the wall, facing the door. Just in case you would be prepared. 

You had no weapons in this room. Only darkness. Only the smallest glimmer of light creeping beneath the door and the faint sound of someone scraping a chair against the floor, no doubt setting up watch outside. You wondered who it was. Jared, Fat Joey, Pots…you thought about calling out to them but remembered what Simon said. Or what he meant. This was punishment for your infidelity. 

Mostly, you wondered about Negan.


	14. Chapter 14

They say your sense of time goes first. You remembered your humanities teacher going a little off script your senior year and showing everyone in class a documentary about Guantanamo. You thought about the prisoners there. Was this what it was like? Had they survived or been killed already? The constant, never ending dark would have disabled your sense of time even more significantly if it hadn’t been disabled already. How many days and nights had you spent in this prison? How many had you spent living already? Were you even still 19? 

The dark was unbearable. Every little sound alerted you. When you heard footsteps you felt yourself pressing into the wall, trying your hardest to shrink away from the door. A spider had crawled over your leg two days ago and you’d shrieked. You were paranoid, not just by the sounds you could hear but by the ones you couldn’t. There was no way to know who was out there or how long they stayed. You tried to listen for anything but sometimes the silence stretched on for eternity before you’d hear boots on cement. Heavy footsteps but never the ones you feared the most. It didn’t matter though. You knew they were coming, that the longer you spent in this room the closer you got to Negan coming down to pull you out and this feeling, this twisting knot in your stomach, was far worse than the feeling of dread that had followed you at camp. 

You tried, sometimes so hard that you felt like you were forcing it on yourself, to think of anything but the room that you were in. You would lay there on the ground, the ground that was always cold, and tried to focus your mind on anything that made you even slightly happy. The thoughts were always the same, whether they came naturally or whether you had to force them on yourself. They were always of camp. You hadn’t spent that long at camp, at least you didn’t think, but the time had been better than anything else that had happened to you since the outbreak. 

The thoughts were all of camp and, more specifically, of Tara. You didn’t think too much about the implication of that. It didn’t matter who you thought of, you were positive that everyone in that camp was dead. You had seen the charred remains of the campground. But in here, trapped in this empty closet space, you would lay on your back, trying and do those relaxation, deep breathing techniques your mom did during yoga. It was dark but you closed your eyes anyway because at least then you could pretend that it wasn’t just the dark. And then you let yourself go back there. To the camp, to Tara. 

The way she laughed at something you said, how comfortable you felt around her, how happy. It had been a long time since you had felt that happy and here, in this room, you couldn’t imagine ever being happy again. 

The cold was the second thing that broke you. The somehow constant chill of the room ate at you. It lived on the walls, like tiles on a cold day, they never felt warm. You never felt warm. You tried to close your body in on itself, bending in some imitation of contortionism. Desperately trying to keep yourself warm but it was no use. You were practically naked, freezing, the chill renewed every time you pressed yourself against the wall. 

You tried to remember to stand up, pace in the small area allotted you, do some of the yoga poses your mother used to do for flexibility. It all felt pointless though. You were positive that you were just prolonging your death. You closed your eyes, opened them, tried to let yourself adjust to the dark, it didn’t matter though. In the beginning they brought you scraps and you refused them, dignity still fathomable in your mind. But somewhere the dignity died and all you cared about was eating not to die. Anything not to die but you had no idea why. It didn’t matter if you died…in this room, in the dark, alone. Why should it matter if you died. Turned into a walker. 

You imagined whoever came to check on you, Fat Joey, Gavin, Simon, you imagined eating them. You would lay down and die and wake up again as a walker, brain filled with nothing but hunger. They would open the door and you would lunge, teeth tearing into them. 

Sometimes you exhausted yourself into sleep but it never felt like it lasted long. The footsteps would ring in your ears and you’d pull yourself up to sit against the wall, even the light was too jarring for you. 

“Rise and shine sweetheart!” Simon’s voice boomed in your ears. 

You flinched as he grabbed your arm, yanking you off the ground. Even with your attempts to exercise, your feet still felt like lead as he dragged you down the hall. You hadn’t been out of the room. The door had opened, food had been tossed in, but you hadn’t ventured outside of the room, hadn’t been allowed. Now you were up, being dragged through the hall. 

“Simon,” Your voice sounded hoarse from disuse, the words felt like you didn’t know them. “Please, what’s going on?”

He didn’t look at you, kept his eyes straight ahead, grip so tight on your arm that you knew it would bruise as you stumbled along, “Boss wants to see you.”

That pounding in your chest felt like it returned at Simon’s words. That familiar feeling settling into the emptiness of your stomach, the ache that came at the thought of Negan. Of not knowing. You pulled against Simon, trying to stop him, to pull out of his hand. You would have been okay if your arm completely detached from your body if it meant you never had to see Negan again. 

“Please, Simon, no…” you couldn’t stop the cracking in your voice or the tears that immediately stung your eyes at the thought. You pulled hard enough that you hit a wall, almost falling on the ground but Simon grabbed you and kept you up.

“Come on.” 

“Please.” You repeated. 

Simon gripped your shoulders, fingers pressing into your collar bones as he shoved you against the wall. “Stop the waterworks and suck it up kid. You’re the one who fucking left, you pay the price for it. Nobody’s gonna get you out of that.” 

“Simon-”

“Shut up.” He threatened, “one more word and it’s not Negan you’ll have to worry about it.”

You nodded, body tensing as he pushed you forward, forcing you to walk ahead of him. Your legs felt wobbly but you did what he wanted, walking to Negan’s office. You’d been there before, in better times. Or, at least, times when you weren’t a dead girl walking. Then you felt fairly confident, now you felt empty. A cold sweat broke out on your forehead, goosebumps the closer you got to the door, breath hitching in your chest. 

Simon reached passed you when you finally stopped, banging on the door. That was when you heard it, the voice you had been dreading. The one that made your blood run cold every time you thought of him. 

“Come on in,” Negan shouted. 

The door opened and Simon shoved you inside.


	15. Chapter 15

“Well damn, prom queen, I almost forgot what you looked like.” Negan’s deep drawl sent an involuntary shiver down your spin though you attributed that to fear more than anything else. You knew he was lying, he hadn’t sent his men on a suicide mission through the woods to find you because he forgot what you looked like. 

Simon pushed you down into a metal chair, the cold making you jerk slightly and inhale, a ragged, laboured breathe escaping. You weren’t just terrified, you were hungry, tired, paranoid, weak, and scared. A wealth of emotions each triggering the next. You stood, shuffling away from the chair, trying to cross your arms over yourself as if it would offer some sort of protection. 

“You know what you look like?” Negan teased, reclining back in the office chair, propping his feet on the desk and crossing his ankles. He didn’t wait for you to answer, “you look like a junkie tweeking out.” 

You lifted your head enough to look at him but avoided his eyes, a futile attempt to cling to whatever strength you might have left to summon. Jared had told you, without telling you at all, what happened to people that Negan ‘vetted’. You had seemed loyal the first time around. A little mouthy but trustworthy. Now you didn’t look like you’d survive the week. 

“Get a jacket or something, she’s making me cold just looking at her.” Negan instructed, waving Simon out of the room. 

“Yes sir.” 

The door shut and you flinched at the sound, your ears extra sensitive to any noises that might be perceived as a threat. Negan’s boots dropped to the floor, thudding on the concrete as he stood up, walking around the desk. You were sure that he could see the shudder as he neared you, the way you tensed up, finger nails digging into your skin. 

“They sure did a number on you didn’t they sweetheart?” He teased, stopping in front of you. He gripped your jaw in his hand, fingers digging into your skin as he turned your head to look at him. 

Whatever it felt like to be a walker, you were sure this was the precursor. That emptiness creeping up on you. Your eyes felt like they couldn’t focus, even when you looked at Negan and not passed him, your eyes felt blurry, dry, and stinging. You’d spent an unfathomable amount of time in that room, in the dark, and the sleep deprivation combined with the stress had ruined your ability to concentrate. Even on someone like Negan, who had commanded so much of your attention not so long ago. 

“You miss me prom queen?” He asked, voice low, body so close to yours you could feel the warmth of it. You would’ve killed for the leather jacket that he was wrapped in. “Cause I sure did miss you.” 

“No.” You were exhausted, physically weak, and freezing but you could still picture the woods where Dwight had found you, the camp burned out. You could feel Negan’s hand around your neck and hear his threats as you made your mind up to leave. 

“No what?” That slight edge, when he was teetering off the line of faux pleasantries seeped into his tone. 

You were still alive, you could take more. “No, I didn’t miss you at all.” 

“I had a lot of faith in you sweetheart, I told Simon, I said “Simon, find her cause when she comes back I think she’ll see the error of her ways’. I thought, ‘gee, who was it that found you close to death? Who was it that provided you shelter? Food? Clothes? Who the fuck was it that kept you safe?” He barked, still so close to you that spit from his words landed on your cheek. You willed yourself to look in his eyes as he continued, “so I sent Gavin out and what did you do? Killed two of my men!” 

“They were expendable.”

“That’s some fancy fucking words for someone who had trouble standing up by herself this morning.” Negan all but laughed, finally releasing you from his hold as Simon stepped back into the room. 

You felt a blanket get draped over your shoulders and you snatched at the sides, pulling it tighter around your body to warm you. Simon stepped away from you as Negan walked back over to the desk as if it served some purpose other than stroking his ego. 

“We can do this one of two ways,” Negan stated, picking Lucille up from her resting spot beside the desk. You’d almost forgotten about his dead wife’s effigy. “You can apologize to me now and I’ll put you right back in your old room or you can go back in the closet. What’ll it be darling?”

The blanket was stiff but warm and you’d been so cold for so long that your brain felt like it was melting with his words. Back in your room, your old bed, did you really have that little concern for the camp? For Dwight and Tina, and Sherry? “Go to hell Negan.” 

“You are feeling mighty powerful today aren’t you?” He mocked, swinging the bat in his hands, stopping it short as it flew up under your chin. The barbed wire pricked the underside of your chin, soft flesh stinging but you didn’t flinch, you refused. 

“Take her to medical and then send her back to the hole.” Negan instructed, “you can work your way up like the rest of them.” 

Simon’s hand wrapped around your upper arm and he yanked you back, cutting you a little more on the bat as he dragged you from the room, feet tripping over each other. This wasn’t the first time that you were alone with Simon and just like the times before he was rough with you. There was no upper hand now. 

“What’s gonna happen?” You chanced asking as Simon turned down a hallway, closing the two of you off from the rest of the sanctuary. 

“No talking.” 

“Simon-“

Simon’s hand gripped you harder as he slammed your back against the wall, startling you as he got so close to you that you could see his breath on your cheeks. “Negan might be fooled by your sweet little girl act but I’m not.” Simon said, “don’t try to play games with me, I know your kind well enough.” 

“I’m not playing a game! Just cause you got your feelings hurt-” You started to say, Simon cutting you off when he shoved his forearm against your neck and pressed. You gritted your teeth, trying not to show any signs of distress to him. 

“You wanna try that again?” He said, leaning closer to you. 

“Get off me.”

“If you think you’re anything but a bottom feeder in this place now, you’ve got another thing coming.” He replied, releasing his arm. You grabbed at your throat, breathing heavily.

“Don’t underestimate me Simon.” You replied, “I haven’t lasted this long because I’m weak.” 

Simon gripped your arm, shoving you forward again, “walk.”


	16. Chapter16

Bottom feeder was right. Even when you came out of the room a week later, too exhausted from ‘missed meals’ to do more than nod your head when Negan spoke to you, your status in the Sanctuary hadn’t really increased. You placed on the floor, in charge of watching the kitchen at night to be sure no one tried to take food while others were sleeping. It was a job designed to make you tired and the combination of the last several weeks (or however long it had actually been) and the injuries you sustained when Simon had shoved you back into the room the first time, kicking you with his boot, had caused severe back pain. You were reminded briefly of an old teacher who used to spend all of fourth period with her hand on her lower back, pretending it didn’t hurt as much as it clearly did. 

Standing for eight hours overnight was taking its toll on your physical health and your mental health. A twofer that Negan was surely happy about. Not that you had seen him in at least two weeks. Bottom of the barrel, definitely, but there were some unforeseen perks to your new position in the Sanctuary. Namely, being low man on the totem pole meant you were closer to the other workers, some of whom you had thought you would never see again. 

The realization that Dwight, Sherry, and Tina, along with a handful from the camp, hadn’t been burned alive, had been well worth the weeks in the room. You had practically cried when you first heard Dwight’s voice saying your name as you entered the cafeteria that first day out of the room. 

“How are you here?” You had chanced asking later, once no saviors were listening and you were alone in the women’s bunk room. Sitting on the bed with Sherry and Tina, Dwight sitting on the bunk across from you. Maybe this optimistic, kinder, version of yourself wasn’t real but it felt like it when you were around them. 

“They took us in.” Tina explained.

“Why…what’s the catch?” You asked, looking between them. There was always a catch with Negan, something you had come to realize too early on but had let yourself ignore for a long time. “What does he want from you?” 

“Nothing,” Sherry insisted though it sounded very much like a lie. 

“He never wants nothing.” You urged. 

The running away, the room, the demotion, they all served their purpose in your friendship with Dwight and his family. They all made you look like a victim, a weak young girl who was being abused by some higher power. If you had come back and he’d given you a spot at his side again it would only raise suspicion among them, they would realize that you weren’t the practically helpless kid they met in the woods. They wouldn’t believe this charade you were playing at. But they did believe, Dwight looking nervous when you promised them that Negan always had strings attached, he never did anything out of the kindness of his own heart. If he knew that you were close to them, if he had somehow worked out your feelings toward the small family than half of what he would do would only be to hurt you. 

“We can’t talk when other people are around,” you finally said, waiting in the silence for one of them to tell you what Negan wanted.

“Why?” Sherry asked, skeptical always of your behavior. She was easily the smartest of the three, or maybe just the most intuitive.

“I have to go, I have night duty,” You’d been tasked with cleaning the kitchens at night, curtesy of Simon. It could’ve been worse, if he really hated you he could’ve given you the toilets. 

Tina followed you out of the bunks as Dwight and Sherry continued to talk with each other, hushed voices disappearing as you made it out into the hall. “Wait,” she asked, grabbing your arm. “You’re right, he does want something.”

“What?”

“He’s given me three days to decide but, he said he wants me to be one of his brides.” 

-

Tina laughed, taking the sweatshirt away from you and setting it across her lap, spreading it out so that it hung over her bare legs. It was easier to wash clothes in shorts because of the river and she’d given you a pair to borrow. A little loose since you’d lost weight. Who knew that all it took was an apocalypse to stick to a diet?

“That’s exactly what I was doing,” you insisted as she began scrubbing the stain on the sweatshirt with a rock, pouring a little soap over it. 

“Hardly,” she laughed again, “have you ever washed clothes?”

“In a washing machine.” You replied. “You know, I put the clothes in, changed the settings, hit the button.”

“Okay well, this is kinda the same.”

“You’re scrubbing a sweatshirt with a rock.” You pointed out, “not the same at all.”

Tina shrugged, only smiling at you as she continued to wash the clothing that was piled there. You’d been there for two wash days so far and they seemed to follow the same pattern. One or more of the people, you and Tina both times, would volunteer to wash the clothes at the river. Then you’d bring them back, string them up to dry and redistribute them to their rightful owners. Tina was a lot faster than you were at cleaning and she seemed to actually know how to clean better too. 

“What did you do before this?” You asked, grabbing a shirt and soaking it in the soapy water from the bucket scrubbing less serious stains out with your hands. 

“I was just moving in with Sherry and Dwight for a while. My mom kicked me out and they were good enough to let me stay with them.” She replied. 

“I can’t imagine you doing anything worth getting kicked out over.” You had been a little wild, a lot wild if you consulted Negan, but your mom had never kicked you out over it. 

“Well,” she shrugged, somewhat contemplative, “I told my mom I had a girlfriend, kinda freaked her out. She was very religious. It was hard on her when Sherry eloped with Dwight, I think she figured, you know…I was still around.”

“You’re gay?” You wanted to kick yourself when you heard the words come out of your mouth. All the takeaways you could’ve had from that conversation and the only thing you heard yourself saying was ‘you’re gay’ like you were some thirteen-year-old. “Sorry, that wasn’t really the point of the conversation.”

“It’s okay,” she replied, “I mean, I am and it was kinda the point.” 

You dunked the shirt in the river, washing the soap away before ringing it out and tossing it in the clean bucket with the other clothes that were piling up. “Just putting it out there?” You joked, glancing over at her. 

She smiled and nodded her head, “yeah, just putting it out there.”

-

The words made you feel sick to your stomach. Negan was asking Tina to be one of his wives? Though he was just a man, the omnipresence that Negan seemed to possess almost made you feel like he was doing this on purpose. But maybe you were just being too selfish, thinking that everything had something to do with you was ridiculous. You knew how Negan operated, you’d spent enough time with him. Tina was young, pretty but maybe not as immediately attractive as her sister, easier prey by far. It made perfect sense that he would want her. And you knew him, it would be in her best interest to agree, to be his wife and protect her family. But you couldn’t let go of your selfishness.

“You can’t say yes.” You insisted, hand grasping hers. You kept your voice just above a whisper, standing close to her in the corridor so no one could hear you. 

“I have to, for Sherry and Dwight and everyone that was at camp with us. If I don’t say yes, he said he would kill us.”

And he probably would. “He’s just bluffing, please, you can’t say yes. We’ll never be together.” You should’ve felt guilty. You were no better than Negan, manipulating her feelings because she was the most vulnerable. Tina had been open about liking you and, while you liked her just as much, you also knew that she would do anything for you because of those feelings. And right now, you really didn’t want her to marry Negan.

“What am I supposed to do if he’s not?” She asked. 

“We can run away,” you insisted, “I’ve done it before. We’ll go further this time, maybe to DC or something. You, me, Dwight, Sherry.”

Would you really risk it? Risk a second time running away? Had he found you because he was that determined or because you got complacent? And if he found you a second time would there even be a room to go to or would he just kill you? You weren’t just risking your own life though, you were willing to risk theirs, just to keep this fantasy of power alive. Negan had power over the entire Sanctuary and you, you used to have some semblance of power over Simon, you could play Negan’s game, but now you were reduced to nothing. To night duty in the kitchens and this was all you had, power over a girl that you knew liked you because she had admitted as much. 

“I don’t know.” She sighed. 

“Just think about it, you have two days.” You replied, squeezing her hand. “I don’t want to lose you again.” 

It was the ultimate power play, the guilt trip, you liked Tina. You knew you liked Tina. In all honesty, of the girls that you had tried to date in highschool, none of them had ever made you feel the way Tina did, but that didn’t change who you were. 

“I don’t want to lose you either.” She kissed you and you kissed her back, as loving and tender as you could muster before pulling away.

You left her in the hallway with one last plea to think things over before you headed for the kitchen. It would be in her best interest, in the best interest of Sherry and Dwight, for her to accept Negan’s offer. If you wanted to see her at all, to see her taken care of like you said you did than being one of his wives was her best chance. But you knew what you really wanted, you wanted her to yourself. He wanted what he didn’t realize you had and getting the upper hand again had given you a rush of that egocentric feeling he always boasted about. 

-

“Are you okay?” Tina whispered, rolling onto her side so she could see you better in the dark of the tent you were sharing. 

You had felt like the mattresses were hard at the Sanctuary but you had somehow forgotten how uncomfortable it was to sleep on the ground. The floor of the tent was lumpy and awful and for being so young your back ached every morning. Still, it wasn’t the pain that was keeping you awake.

“I’m fine, I just can’t sleep.” You admitted. Even at the Sanctuary you’d had trouble sleeping. Simon’s tequila and his company had helped but those didn’t exist here.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Tina offered, cuddling up to you. 

“This is good,” you reasoned, turning your head to kiss her. She had told you that she was ‘just putting it out there’ that she was gay and it didn’t take much more than that for you to figure out that she liked you. You’d dated girls in the past, always in secret, and it felt kind of nice to have someone like you like that again. Maybe it wasn’t healthy that you were thinking only of yourself but you couldn’t help it. You could understand why Negan enjoyed wielding so much power, it wasn’t exhausting all the time, sometimes it was enticing. 

Having people at the camp cling to your knowledge about survival so quickly, knowing that Tina liked you, it all felt a lot like wielding power and you were getting a little drunk on your own ego, you weren’t too ashamed to admit it, at least not to yourself.

-

“I’ll be honest,” Jared announced, sitting up on the counter that you had just wiped clean, his muddy boots hitting the cabinets and dropping dirt on the floor, “I did miss you a little bit.”

“You missed me? I’m flattered.” You replied, rolling your eyes as you emptied the fridge out to scrub it clean. “I’m surprised you didn’t tag along to find me, you would’ve had a hell of a time.”

“Pounding your skull against a rock would’ve given me some serious satisfaction.” 

“You’re like those serial killers who murder women that look like their girlfriend except I’d kill myself before I ever seriously considered you for anything.” You said. 

Jared had been given the all-important late night task of making sure you did exactly what Negan told you to do. Clean the kitchen, night after night, and listen to Jared talk about the most depraved things he could think of. He had recounted, the night before, how he had killed a walker by digging it’s brain out of it’s rotting skull with his bare hands. 

“More like trying to kill my mom.” Jared replied, “fucking bitch got eaten, what kind of cheap way out is that?” 

“Are you just trying to freak me out?” You asked, pushing him off the counter so you could put food up there. He nabbed one of the apples and started eating, walking over to the table and chairs to sit down.

“I’m dead serious.” Jared said, “here I fucking was, right, seeing all the shit going down on the news, nice enough to barricade the doors and windows, and that bitch decides she left her smokes in the car.”

“Did she?” You chanced asking. 

“They were in my pocket.” He shrugged, “thought it’d be funny…kinda was actually. That thing just gnawed on her-”

“Okay…how about you, don’t talk to me while we’re here?” You requested. Jared had once told you that he had no other friends around here aside from Fat Joey, who you assumed only let Jared talk to him out of mild fear for the kid and not actual comradery, but you weren’t sure if he still considered you a friend. Or if, of all the people in the Sanctuary, you really still wanted Jared as a friend. The reality of the matter, of course, was that you were tainted goods. Everyone knew it. No one else would talk to you, even Dwight and them kept their distance when saviors were around. 

Whether he considered you one or not, Jared was really the only friend you had in this whole place. And even if you could truly consider Dwight, Sherry, and Tina friends (and maybe a little more) they didn’t really know you. They saw the scared kid…only Jared got to see that part of you that didn’t even flinch as he told you about watching his mom get eaten by a walker. That sick part that was willing to risk Tina’s life. Was it always there? You couldn’t be so sure anymore that it was all circumstantial.


End file.
